Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Celibate or Halibut?

Hey can anyone tell me what it means to be celibate? I mea I know by definition that “Celibacy refers either to being unmarried or to sexual abstinence. A vow of celibacy is a promise not to enter into marriage or engage in sexual intercourse.”

It has even been said that celibacy requires not having any sexual activity with a partner. But that it does not preclude being sexual with ones partner. I just wonder if a man or a woman vowed to be celibate after being sexually active with their partner, would this mean that there could be no intimacy at all? I mean if I am celibate, is it possible for me to still engage in fondling, cuddling and or other sexual acts including mutual masturbation and oral sex?

It has been suggested that some folks become celibute for an assortment of reasons including personal and or religious beliefs or as an extended reaction to some form of sexual trauma.

My question today is simply this, if one is celibate, what would or could they do in your eyes to continue to be intimate with their partner? Would you as a man or a woman be willing to engage/perform oral sex on them? Would you as man or a woman continue to desire and touch them erotically and sensuously? Would you as a man or woman still play, grind and cuddle nude? And if this person was the woman or man of your dreams, what would you be willing or what would u do to exhibit that you still desired them sexually without comprimising your vows of celibacy. Tell me, for I would like to know what would be off limits and what would not for I do know that a Halibut is a delicious sweet tasting fish with firm flaky white meat.

39 comments:

Melissa said...

Well that is a real thin line....But If I had to chose it for whatever reason. I think that I would not have any sexual contact at all....no fondling, no oral sex. No grinding....I would limit my contact to a light kiss and hug. Damn! I personally could never do it. I guess some people are just more sexual then others.
And some just have that hold out power.

Anonymous said...

I WAS CELIBATE FOR QUITE SOME TIME BUT I DIDNT CONSIDER ORAL SEX TO BE A PART OF ABSTAINING. I WAS UNDER THE ASSUMPTION THAT CELIBACY WAS THE ACT OF ABSTAINING FROM THE ACTUAL ACT OF INTERCOURSE ITSELF.

kutiepieakrla said...

First when one chooses to be celibate and has a mate, they must inform the mate the reason for practicing celibacy. I do believe you can still be intimate with one another, such as cuddling, holding each other, and a occasional rub may not hurt, but I truly beleive you must discuss this with your partner as to how far you really want to take it. Because some will perform oral sex and some will not, some will cuddle naked and some will not. You need to set the boundaries up front as to what you are willing to do and what you are not, so that both of you understand where you are coming from.

Miz JJ said...

Being celibate means avoiding sexual contact in my mind. Anything sexual is out. You know when cuddling is crossing the line and oral sex has the word sex in it so that might tell you something.

NegroPino™ said...

To remain intimate hmmm.......yeah u can...u can touch,rub, massage..i wanna experience the ultimate "O" without having somebody touch me.....sexually.......like in the movie 40 Days and 40 nites.....it might require a very vivid imagination

Emanuel Carpenter said...

Depends on the reason for celibacy. If it's for religious purposes, then more than likely all forms of contact should be included in the definition. If it's for other reasons, like taking a break, trauma from the past, fear of disease, etc. then the line becomes blurred.

If you had a fourteen year old daughter and told her to be celibate until she is eighteen or until she gets married, what would that mean to you?

Emanuel Carpenter said...

Hey kutiepiekrla,

Did you say cuddling naked? To me that's like bringing a starving Ethiopian to a buffet and telling him he can only drink water.

MzNewAgenda said...

I think that if you are celibate, that means no sexual contact because like Lays, you can't eat just one. LOL I am currently celibate by choice, getting back to my center, and I limit encounters to public places so I am not tempted because I was highly sexual prior to this abstinance.

Stephen Bess said...

That rubbing and touching is taking me back to high school. :)Yeah, there's too much temptation when you say that you are celibate, but you engage in oral and fondling. I couldn't do it no more than I could become vegetarian. My life would have to depend on it or something.

Stunuh Jay said...

And maybe I have a totally putrid mind, because something about the last sentence....
Lets see kanoodling in the nude, definitely asking for trouble! The man in question may have to be a eunuch or gay... or totally unattracted and disintrested in sex, or maybe not even taking the little blue pill...that being said, Celibate - Stick to the halibut with a candle light dinner, a nice slow dance put them in a taxi and send 'em home (do not enter the taxi with them!).

i like liquor and tv said...

The line should be drawn as soon as any type of arousal takes place. If you get Hard or aroused just from cuddling, you don't need to cuddle. But if you can handle cuddling, I guess it's fine. Oral sex is mos def out of the question.

As far as being naked...as soon as the penis makes its first appearance, it's a wrap.

Dee said...

I think I hit three parts of the question:

1) I was traumatized sexually
2) I am an unmarried Christian Christian
3) I've tried celibacy within an established relationship and also with new relationships.

1 - As an incest and date rape survivor I have issues with any behavior that appears eager or aggressive in or out of the bedroom.

2- As a Minister in Training, I struggle daily with the balance of being a woman with normal urges and a woman of God, who's supposed to lead by example and be exemplary in her deportment.

3- Right before I got the call the ministry, I was in a thirteen year relationship and God just said... stop that you're fornicating. I was like... but we're getting married in six months, plus we've been doing this for thirteen years... Now you want to say something about it? His reply. "Yes."

So with several heated discussions under our belt my fiance and I embarked on this journey.

Needless to say, this was five years ago. He married someone else and I am still single... can preach up a storm... but still single... LOL.

I've since realized that my ex really wasn't the one for me, by the pure fact that I've flourished and grown in a way that would not have taken place were we still together. In all fairness, I acknowledge that I was a contributor to my problem by being who I thought he expected me to be, instead of myself. When I began to realize who I was, began to stretch and grow, mentally and spiritually, he could not deal with it ... because he had never had the opportunity.

I have since had two short-lived relationships and pre-stated the celibacy terms. One thing I've realized is that avoidance of touchy situations is not a show of cowardice, but good old commonsense.

Don't know if this helped anyone but me... LOL.

Peace,
Dee

Dee said...

Oh and my stand on oral sex and/or masturbation? If anyone can tell me how I can accomplish those without carnal thought or stimulation, then I'll happily take them out of the no-can-do section.

Brea said...

I guess it would depend on how long my partner intended to remain celibate. I don't think I could make that a permanent arrangment and feel satisfied by the partnership. But knowing it was just temporary, I think holding, touching, and kissing would keep me happy.

Georgiapeach said...

That is funny you wrote a post about this because I an so tired of partaking in premarital sex with my mate, and I am considering celibacy. I don't want to stop cold turkey, and I am confused about the entire thing. I don't know what is appropriate. I am sure oral sex isn't, but am I really ready to deprive my boyfriend of everything especially if he has been getting for five years?

Ri said...

I have read that in some asian cultures where a priest or some other fortunate cleric "inspects" the bride for virginity, that the girls resort to a whole lot of anal sex - supposedly that does not compromise virginity.

Celibacy? When the Lord decides I cannot do it any more, then I will forced into celibacy, not one minute before.

I would not have expected that oral etc. would not break celibacy, but hey, it is not only lawyers that split hairs, no pun intended.

I'm not a nice Gurl said...

Celibacy- Hmmm, Everyone has their reasons and I aint mad, to each his own (communication is key), BUT Im having a difficult time putting relationship and celibacy together. I for one am all for reaching the ultimate levels of intimacy but I know that at each stage of accomplishment or growth, I am gonna need and want a reward. I could just see me attempting to break every celibate vow my partner has (he he) and it would be my pleasure to let him feel, explore, examine everything that a partnership has to offer.
The terms: Cuddling is out, RUBBIN <- uh uh, layin in da nude (what in the world)...lol.. nope...
kiss, hug, meditate okay... Very interesting topic indeed :)

I am admiring Dee's courageous comments.

Stay Up-
R-

obifromsouthlondon said...

hmmm tough one. never done celibate so don't know. with the visual stimulation in society i'd be suprised anyone takes such vows. except for extreme religious and cultural reasons.

P said...

@Anonymous:

YAH for Anonymous. . .Isn't that what Bill Clinton said. . .

But, 'Tinnyway. .

My current beau o' the moment all of a sudden started abstaining. And by the way, I can do w/o the comments, if you knew my sweetie,you would know that he is doing it with no other. . .

He wants to put sex in the right perspective and not as a validation tool for himself. He still sees and calls me the same. He will hold and kiss me, but nothing else. He did say that the reward will be well worth the wait.

To which I say.

I'm going out of town this weekend, I'll catch him on the rebound. . .

Hypothetically Speaking said...

Hey, thanks for stopping by my place a while ago.

As for this topic? Well, I think you would owe your partner a break down of reasonings.

However, what you can and can't do should be down to you (unless it's for religious - then whatever your "book" tells you I guess). However, if you do make up your own rules so to speak you need to ensure you don't set yourself up for failure . Meaning, if you know you can't stop after say, heavy petting, then you need to have your cut off point before that.

I was celibate for a while and I feel it did me the world of good. I didn't feel under pressure because I simply kept myself out of those sitautions.

Emanuel Carpenter said...

One thing that hasn't been covered here is the old saying "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" Celibacy could be a wise choice for those who want respect and eventually marriage from their mate. Some people (especially, men) tend to let the love ooze right out of them once they hit it. They figure if she gives it up to him, she'll give it up to someone else too. But if he is made to wait, he may appreciate the woman more and consider her marriage material. It's funny because if a man does the same either his sexuality is questioned or there is an assumption that he's getting it somewhere else.

somemeofbeauty said...

you kill me ;)

I have both been celibate and been in a realtionship with a person who decided to be celibate for a period of time. In both cases we were still intimate as far as kissing and cuddling go. The naked hunching was reserved for special occassions.. that was a treat. Oral sex and mutual masturbation was on an as(s) needed baisis. Oral sex we did maybe twice during the whole thing. That almost always leads to intercourse with us so we had to give that up.

Now when I was single and celibate. I really didnt engage and any intimacy at all. No touching no kissing, nothing. It was more of a purification process for me.

Stacie von Kutieboots said...

intimacy and sex are two different things. I'd rather have intimacy than the literal sex. The foreplay is where all the action is!

To be celibate means to be creative. Instead of oral pleasure, have AURAL pleasure. Whisper sweet (or spicy!) nothings in eachother's ear. Play music that sets the mood ("Break You Off" by the Roots feat Musiq, "I Can't Wait" by Jag feat Bilal, "Mind Sex" by deadprez, etc.) and just be enthralled by NOT having sex. Find ways to not be sexy but SENSUAL, talk about what you would do, kiss passionately, cuddle, spoon and that's it. It may get hot and heavy but maintain your vow!

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