Sunday, November 25, 2007

expectations and concessions

Before I settle down again, as a man, I need to do some soul searching. I mean when life takes you for a ride, its nice to have someone by your side. So I figure expectations and concessions are important. So if I’m looking for such to be a two way street and a partnership, have to put it on the table what I expect. This is some of what i expect - sorry just being honest.

I expect her to fix my plate for dinner without asking and know what I want on that plate

She got to accept my mind and me.

She has to sense when 'm down and need support, comfort and encouragement

That a relationship is like a job and requires work

She has to desire my touch, my embrace and my caress and accept and reciprocate unconditionally

She must understand the concept of partnership, of teamwork and that the family and not the individual comes first.

If I buy her sexy Fredrick’s or Victoria Secrets Draws and bra’s, then I should be the first and only one to see her in them, preferably at the door when I come in from work or whatever.

She will value my family and limited material possessions if the value I gave them were her own.

She must love and respect my children as she loves and respects me.

She will not take my providing for my family and work ethic for granted; she will maintain me for she will know my family depends on my work ethic.

She will not place anyone over her family or me and will show in actions that we come first.

She will desire to kiss my lips, my neck, nipples and the rest of my body like desert that seems to never quench her thirst.

She will love and crave my sex.

She will not serve me tofu.

I probably got some more but this is a start to my personal soul searching.


MARYJANE365 said...


Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

maryjane - dont cry lil momma its more than a few of us out here. thanks for the kind words

Fat Lady said...

I'm glad I'm not a single woman. I would easily get sucked in by all the stuff in the middle that sounds so good. But the first and last are the really telling ones - the red flags.

Still with all the work ethic, family commitment and flat out love you're offering, I'm sure there will be (if there isn't already) a line of women looking to meet your criteria.

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

fat lady - my plate and no more tofu, well thats what realy real, 4 real though, meet my stomach and support me and the Meat (for lack of a beter word) will follow

Cluizel said...

awwww...some of you guys are still left

Pro said...

It's imperative that people enter relationships knowing full well what they want (expect), as well as know what they are willing to compromise (concession), however, I see a lot in your sharing that begs the thought that you aren't as willing to do the same. A partnership can be formed instantly, but it may not know exactly what makes for a great partner (i.e. know what you want on that plate). If you expect someone to "accept you and your mind" what happens to agree to disagree? What's with all the "Sensing when you are down, etc.?" More like hearing you share your feelings and going from there to encourage, cheer you on and offer her shoulder is easier for a woman to do once things have been COMMUNICATED. You reference, "Family and not the individual comes first; She will not place anyone over her family or me and will show in actions that we come first," somewhat confusing statements. I agree that family should be top priority, but there are other factors that could play a part: job/career, personal endeavors, etc. Or should this partner play like a good "Muslim" woman and put those things behind her and cater to the needs of her man/family, preferably coming to the door doning Vicky's or Fredrick's shiny forget-me-nots? Your talk of provision, loving and craving your sex and thirsting for all you have to offer sexually slightly denotes a covert insecurity on your part.

Out of my comfort zone to share a bit of what my spirit discerned. Hopefully your partner would know you're not a fan of Tofu and not serve you up a dish. All in love; I'm just saying. . .

Xcentric Pryncess said...

Good post, I think that that is the issue with relationships these days..people don't voice what they want or expect until it's too late...I think people have to learn how to love and treat others, it's a process that is worth the time to learn.

Xcentric Pryncess said...

what a sista is trying to say is......can I get your number?

lol...jus kiddin..

Qucifer said...

all good but um, Where/what Is the long list of the things that you WILL bring to the table and that you will do to bend yourself the same way that this woman is expected to bend to adjust herself to your needs, likes and wants?

MsJayy said...

Nothing wrong with knowing what you long as you can deliver in kind & are clear about what's negotiable vs. non-negotiable. I've learned to respect other people's "list" - I look it over, see where I fall & if it's not me, I wish them well & keep it moving. Why get caught up in what someone else wants simply because it doesn't fit you? I appreciate your clarity & honesty & hope you find what you're looking for. Be well!

Don said...

As men we almost have to break down like this every now & then because women tend to think we are simple and one track-minded. As you can see, not every man is.

Break down them barriers, raw dawg.

Don said...

I see a lot in your sharing that begs the thought that you aren't as willing to do the same.

Pro, why you have to come and put ish in the

jali said...

My favorite is "....tofu". I'm still laughing as I type. funny as hell.

"d" said...


(on perception)

Our perception is not only with the eyes, with the senses, but also with the mind, and obviously the mind is heavily conditioned. So intellectual perception is only partial perception, yet perceiving with the intellect seems to satisfy most of us, and we think we understand. A fragmentary understanding is the most dangerous and destructive thing. If you see one movement totally, in that totality every other movement is included. If you understand one problem completely, then you understand all human problems, for they are all interrelated. So the question is: can one understand, or perceive, or see, one problem so completely that in the very understanding of it one has understood the rest? This problem must be seen while it is happening, not after or before, as memory or as an example. For instance, it is no good now for us to go into anger or fear; the thing to do is to observe them as they arise. Perception is instantaneous: you understand something instantly or not at all: seeing, hearing, understanding are instantaneous. Listening and looking have duration.
If I want to understand something, I must observe, I must not criticize, I must not condemn, I must not pursue it as pleasure or avoid it as non-pleasure. I must not have the intent to supress or change it, but rather observe its movements. The behavior will unfold their story!

So love is freedom, justice and equality.

By knowing self, produces love for other than self, seeking to elevate self to create a forcefield of protection for those lives.

For an act to qualify as love, it has to be conducted in the absence of emotional pressure. It has to be subjected to intellectual deliberation, involving the careful and intelligent weighing of choices, outcomes, and consequences. Selflessness is not once or twice of GREAT MOMENTS of sacrifice, but in the day to day challenges that visits us all.

To be is to be related and without relationship there is no existence. What do we mean by relationship? It is an interconnected challenge and response between two people, between you and me, the challenge which you throw out and which I accept or to which I respond; also the challenge I throw out to you. The relationship of two people creates society; society is not independent of you and me; the mass is not by itself a separate entity but you and I in our relationship to each other create the mass, the group, the society. Relationship is the awareness of interconnection between two people.

If you observe yourself in relationship with others, do you not find that relationship is a process of self-revelation? Does not my contact with you reveal my own state of being if I am aware, if I am alert enough to be conscious of my own reaction in relationship? Relationship is really a process of self-revelation, which is a process of self-knowledge; in that revelation there are many unpleasant things, disquieting, uncomfortable thoughts, activities.

Since I do not like what I discover, I run away from a relationship which is not pleasant to a relationship which is pleasant. Therefore, relationship has very little significance when we are merely seeking mutual gratification but becomes extraordinarily significant when it is a means of self-revelation and self-knowledge. After all, there is no relationship in love, is there? It is only when you love something and expect a return of your love that there is a relationship. When you love, that is when you give yourself over to something entirely, wholly, then there is no relationship.
If you do love, if there is such a love, then it is a marvellous thing. In such love there is no friction, there is not the one and the other, there is complete unity. It is a state of integration, a complete being. There are such moments, such rare, happy, joyous moments, when there is complete love, complete communion. What generally happens is that love is not what is important but the other, the object of love becomes important; the one to whom love is given becomes important and not love itself.

Then the object of love, for various reasons, either biological, verbal or because of a desire for gratification, for comfort and so on, becomes important and love recedes. Then possession, jealousy and demands create conflict and love recedes further and further; the further it recedes, the more the problem of relationship loses its significance, its worth and its meaning.

Therefore, love is one of the most difficult things to comprehend. It cannot come through an intellectual urgency, it cannot be manufactured by various methods and means and disciplines. It is a state of being when the activities of the self have ceased; but they will not cease if you merely suppress them, shun them or discipline them. You must understand the activities of the self in all the different layers of consciousness. We have moments when we do love, when there is no thought, no motive, but those moments are very rare. Because they are rare we cling to them in memory and thus create a barrier between living reality and the action of our daily existence.

In order to understand relationship it is important to understand first of all what is. What is actually taking place in our lives, in all the different subtle forms; and also what relationship actually means. Relationship is self-revelation. it is because we do not want to be revealed to ourselves that we hide in comfort, and then relationship loses its extraordinary depth, significance and beauty. There can be true relationship only when there is love but love is not the search for gratification. Love exists only when there is self-forgetfulness, when there is complete communion, not between one or two, but communion with the highest; and that can only take place when the self is forgotten.

One Love,

KIKI said...

I love love love your list. Now a list like that is what makes a man sexy (in my opinion).

I too have a list like this. The problem I'm finding is that you can let someone know your list of expectations, but it's absolutely a waste of time if they don't actually listen.

"d" said..., I am sorry to be taking up so much space but you keep propose great questions!

I re-read my comment and wanted to add that it isn't wrong of you to know what you want! We all should! I think the problem comes in when there is an expectation of another.... When my expecations are feeding a "need" of mine. You see, if my partner continues to feed that need and meet my expectation, I am happy. The moment they fail to, I trade in my "love" for someone else who will. Is that love? We are human beings and all of us at some point will fail to meet the others expectation. It is inevitable. So then I ask you..... isn't understanding the person and their very patterns of action and reaction helpful in the relating?

I will say this also.... regardless of womens lib and all the hoopla about it.... it is in the nature of a woman to desire to please her man. We cannot hide from that, it just is. You see it everywhere.... no matter how hard a woman deny's that she doesn't want to cature to her man, she in fact does. The problem is that she isn't aware of her nature, her natural insticts and what nature intended for her to do. You are right about the maintaining part, the woman must maintane her man but everything has duality.... he must maintane her as well. That is the complete communion I spoke of.

Until the complete observation, awareness and understanding of self and other than self are in place, we just keep feeding the ME within us. That is setting oneself up for dissapointment.

We all have a natural drive to have relationship..... what we must understand is our motives for it!

One love,

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

Cluizel, Ms Jayy & Qucifer - yep u know it

Pro - Bring it, but u are right i am insecur, but not insecure enuff not to admit it, but I have same inserurities about rasing my kids u know

Xcentric - u right too, thank u, and im slezy bu not easy LOL

Don - I know u always got my back twin (and u a fool LOL I just writ what i think m fault folk, but the plate is fat huh - thts what im talking bout)

Jali - Give me neckbones or give me death

whewww will respond in a few to the others

The Diva's Thoughts said...

Most of the list is great and very practical but some items seem a bit idealistic.

I love that you are able to put in writting what you are feeling.

Sage said...

Great post. Nothing wrong w/expectations. I'm sure there are plenty of women out there who can meet (and exceed) those expectations.

@ That a relationship is like a job and requires work --
If this aint' the truth! And the rewards for the "hard work" are priceless.

PAJNSTL said...

As long as you are willing to give the same as you require Good Luck with finding a woman that embodies all that you listed and more!

One Man’s Opinion said...

I was with you up and to the Tofu...LOL. A brother wants what he wants and I ain't mad at you. As a matter of fact, I think everything you want is want most guys want from a partner. Put it on paper, my brother.

Girly_Girl said...

I love it!!!
Before I got married, I made a list somewhat like the one you have posted. It's a very worthwhile exercise!

MysTery said...

Ha ha! Nice post. Glad you made a list so you know what you want.

Good job.

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

d - my space is your space and i love that what i write stimulate u to write and think. sothis is your space too
....and u right " A fragmentary understanding is the most dangerous "

kiki - u callin me sexy, dont fit with country boy lol

diva - what cani say one of my favoriters wrote a play called the fanatical - Voltaire

sage & mystery - thanks hon

PAJNSTL - givin' is what a kind heart does best

one man - maybe me u and don were tripplets seperated at birth

"d" said...

Raw Dawg.... or should I call you "horseman" was reading some of your other posts...too funny!

Anyways, thanks for your comments back....nice to know that not everyone charges for their real

I appreciate the exchanges and look forward to your comments back as they are profitable for my own self revelation as well.

I need to figure this sight out to start my own blog here!

You said something back in comment to my comment that I thought very interesting..... something about saying what your intellect thinks but heart cannot say....

Have you ever studied anything on Mental Genders? You touched on something with that statement.... I would love to get more feedback on this from you.

One Love,

NegroPlease said...

Well, my wife and I have 3 kids, (all girls as my granny predicited) she's a regional director for a healthcare company and I'm a consultant who's always travelling! I asked her to quit her job to become a fulltime stay at home mome because my income alone is enough to support us, but I thought about it and felt guilty asking her to give up everything she's worked her entire life to accomplish! With that being said, it sounds more like you need a Prosititute, a Mother, A whore, A chef, A Maid, and A Nanny!!!!!!

It's 2007/2008 get your ass in the kitchen and bring dinner to the table for her, run the kids bath and help them with homework, clean the house, wash the cars, surprise her with flowers and candy on the regular, show your appreciation for what she goes through on a daily basis, then and only then will she submit to you!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

The best is when the kids are in bed and you can head down to the basement and she's already rolled your spliff and made you a stiff drink as a great bootleg copy of "American Gangsta" is about to start on the 60inch Plasma!!!!!!

Good Times!!!!!!!!

KIKI said... hell they don't!LOL You country mo'fos are some sexy asses!

Negroplease said " sounds more like you need a Prosititute, a Mother, A whore, A chef, A Maid, and A Nanny!!!!!!"

???Isn't that basically what a good woman is all rolled up into one? I'm just askin...

Tha L said...

Umm...where's the concessions, bruh? Cuz I sure see a lot of expectations...dayumm!!!

the prisoner's wife said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
the prisoner's wife said...

lol @ never serving you tofu...

sounds like you've covered most basis...what about spirituality? being "equally yoked" and all that jazz. and i'm trying REALLY hard not to roll my eyes about EXPECTING a plate to be fixed, but hell...beloved does that too LOL

but i agree...what are YOUR consessions? what should she be EXPECTING of YOU?

Lola Gets said...

No, hes MAH MAN!
And I wont serve you any tofu, either! Im so happy, I just got my stove fixed, so I can actually cook a meal! Ahahahaha!

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

girly - thank u and i voted for u

Deanna - we can talk about that

Negro please - cook breakfast every morning and dinner every day for my kids, so what are u saying, no her lives in my house and i dont waste food and i aint got no problem with cooking for her or anyone, just dont be saying im trying to get u fat

anonymous - i wish i did have a 60 inch plasma

tha 1 - i made on last yea ill see if i can find the link but that ain no thang, im down with giving and meeting folks half way or going extra if required, im not selfish, i man she can even like the dallas cowboys if she likes LOL

Prisoners wife - that is extremely important and just missed it thanks for the wisdom

Lola - gotta have a working stove

Bygbaby said...

"I expect her to fix my plate for dinner without asking and know what I want on that plate
" That is enough to warrant a wedding ring in my book especially if she cooked!

Sistahs nowadays don't know nuthin about home cooking.

Don said...

Some don't but I know some black women who can throw down in the kitchen. Only problem is we are related. lol.

@sage: look @ you standing up for all the good women. I aint mad.

"d" said...

Thanks for your willingness to exchange ideas....

I sent you an e-mail from the link on your page however, here is mine.

One Love,

Emanuel Carpenter said...

Based on your post Brother, I think you'll be single for a while. I didn't read anything about what you'll do for her in return for that laundry list of requests.

Accept your advances unconditionally? LOL! In 2007 a strong black woman might go Lorena Bobbit on yo' @ss.

I've been married nearly 12 years to a woman I've known since we were children, and let me tell you Broth, marriage is give and take. If she cooks dinner, I'm damn sure doing the dishes. When I cook, she'll do the dishes. If the kids are driving her crazy, I'm giving her ten bucks to go to the movies. And if I'm in the mood and she says no, that boner will have to re-emerge another day. Just consider it as part of the WORSE part in 'for better or for worse' vows you take.

Trust me, when you make lists like this, you're bound to leave something out that she will do to annoy the heck out of you. It's best to accept women as they are, discuss what you're both looking for in a long-term relationship, make a decision to TRY to meet each others' needs, and give it a good, honest try. In the meantime, get you some bell hooks books.

Villager said...

Soul-searching is a good thing. It may be difficult to find the sista that you seek based on what is in your post. But, if you find her ... then keep her close by listening to her expectations and concessions...

peace, Villager

lea78 said...

wow! I'm really speechless, i have done so many of these things for years to only feel unappreciated. What city do you live in? And who in the hell cooked that food I had to scroll up and keep looking at it. That mac and cheese is to die for

guerreiranigeriana said...

what the hell did tofu ever do to you? trying to keep your libido high forever huh?...okay...

lea78 said...

One more thing I love to love and crave my man's sex. Damn I think I want it to much.

Big Momma Pimpalishisness said...

I think these are perfectly acceptable expectations. And I home you find all that. Haha, although, I'd probably have to serve you tofu once or twice just to mess with you if I was her. :)-

The Master (De)bater said...

TS aka "Bwoi, stop!"... make it plain, man!


Why in the world are you single??????????? nevermind..i keep getting asked the same question myself :) I feel you on the tofu...friend tricked me and gave me tofu icecream...wasn't too bad.

We as women want the same thing..but the men say "I can't read your mind!!" Well...we can't read our bros either :)

thanks for your honesty...u keeps it real at all times, raw ^5

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

Bygbaby - aint that the truth, but they know some song lyrics and designer names

kiki - u still trying to call me sexy, dang if my boys find out lol

Don - we aint down with incest, no inbeeding pls

eman - maybe u right but thats what i thought beter or worse meant

villiager - i will listen, and better yet, will try in actions to meet her expectations wo hesitation

lea78 - that pic is tight huh LOL

big momma - wanna treat me so bad

anon - y u remove th post

guerreiranigeriana - u dont even wan to try out my libido so stop it, ill hurt u lol

Master - my fault LOL u a fool folk LOL

ivent - picky and intimidating i guess

Anonymous said...

there isnt a woman i know that wouldnt love to have a man who knows what he wants in a woman... every woman may not possess each of these qualities that you are asking for, but they are all attainable actions that can be learned...i appreciate that your not asking for her to change the person she is, but instead your asking her to make you happy to the best of her ability..TO BE A WOMAN..and i know you, so i know that you will do the same for her...the number one expectation on my list is to let me be a woman, to take care of my man, because he cant do it alone all of the time.....

Emmanuelle said...

"when life takes you for a ride, its nice to have someone by your side"
Couldn't have put it better myself
interesting post
:) and i seem to agree lol

Mizrepresent said...

T, great list, you know i only wish you the best on your search, you have the most beautiful children this world has ever made or seen, and you are a man, convicted in his vision, his love of family and desire for a woman to complete the puzzle. You are dynamic in everyway and i know, that all will happen in it's right time for you...Patience, bruh...she's waiting, listening and heeding your call.

Jamal O said...

Careful Bro,

Your going to "think" her up into existence.

The mind is powerful.

Your Lady is probably closer than you think.

Haha dont like Tofu eh?

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

anon - thanks im jesse jackson now and will keep hope alive

Emmanuelle - hanks for letingme know passion still lives towards others

Mizrepresent - i know u always got my back

jamal - o - im still thinking then, and hard LOL

tAnYeTTa said...

I'm very impressed that you took time to lay out on the table what you're looking for! Your list doesn't sound too far fetched.

More men should stand up and say what they're looking for and also be willing to meet somewhere in the middle on certain things!

You sound like you're not written in stone with all of these and you are willing to work on things with the right woman!

Good luck on your journey:)

lady tee said...

I just wrote my list of expectations:

I am mad about the tofu!! It's good for you! :)

Blah Blah Blah said...

I did that...
I can do it again...
So should I rent the u-haul?
Just sayin'...

I could learn to make make it or do you just cook with it...add it...or is that a side dish? :-)
I'm willing to learn dammit!

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

Blah - no tofu what so ever LOL

lady tee - i couldnt find the link and its a good thing to do

Tanyetta - thanks for the love and i agree, then we could get on with the business of know whats up from the get go and not playing it by ear

Aunt Jackie said...

too bad you don't like tofu, but then again something tells me that you aren't having problems fitting the bill when it comes to lady friends.

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