Thursday, February 16, 2006

soul searching

just wrote this left the essay i wrote last nite at home

What if, you were madly in love with a person, and they were your woman or your man. You decide to take them out and ask what they would like to do but they are undecided and cannot make up their mind. Then all of a sudden, they say they wanted to hang out with their Ex, how would your feel?

I asked this question to four people, one man (myself) and three women. All three women said they would be mad, disheartened and upset. The man said it would be disturbing, since the person could not make up their mind to state what they wanted to do with him, but had obviously planned earlier to hang out with their ex, which to him meant they had been thinking about this a while and desired to spend time with that person more than him.

The women also indicated such a position. They could not understand why a person they were in a relationship with would even say such a thing, knowing that they wanted to go out with them. It just makes me think that we as people are never completely truthful with our situations and are never satisfied. It also makes me think that we do not value what they have when they have it for such a situation would indicate – at least to me – that the person who would say such a thing knew that such a statement may engender pain and/or indifference to that person. But I guess when you pretend to care for a person and really don’t you do things to intentionally hurt them – go figure. Bottom line is we all need to do some serious soul searching when it comes to relationships, because if we don’t make ourselves happy, we will likely make others miserable.

26 comments:

Melissa said...

I would be so hurt if that ever happend to me. How could they ever think that it would be acceptable to even go there. I would be crushed, it would hurt my self esteem.

Anonymous said...

If my girl did that, it would be over, i mean how would she feel if i did that to her? i bet she would not like it one bit.

Anonymous said...

my fiance (sp) don't even like me talking to other women on the phone,especially women i used to date. I would be dragged from her car and dumpped some where if i did that.

Stephen Bess said...

Yeah, I've been there. Individuals that would do that to some they are seeing are toxic and you should try to get away (sometimes easier said than done). Contrary to popular belief, there are people out here that would treat you better. They would be honest and up front with their feelings.

Anonymous said...

There was a time when I would have been devestated, but I now know that situations present themselves to let us know it's time to move on. The universe doesn't allow us to move forward with certain individuals hangin' on our coat tails. There are definately better days ahead.

tmalle said...

You're right, "when you pretend to care for a person and really don't" is when you'd even consider hanging out with your ex (unless you had kids and than things get compliated). I would tell my man to make the ultimate decision and if chose to hang with his ex that meant we weren't in the type of relationship I thought and there would be no need to continue.

Anonymous said...

Maybe I'm just an ass, because I sure would say "cool. I'm coming along"

Anonymous said...

My husband and I have been together so long that if he said that to me I would laugh. At this point in our relationship I would think it was code for something else like he is trying new ways to get some booty. Honestly I am not the jealous type and I have confidence in myself, my man and our relationship but I would break out with the Wie Fragen fa real and hold him to every word and if he slips my new name is Loraina Babbit. Peace

"N" Search of Ecstasy said...

I would be VERY upset to say the least if my man was to pull this!

One thing that immediately comes to mind is why would he rather spend time with her than to spend time with me? That would really bother me. He does not need to be hanging out with his ex anyway!

Tiff said...

I may be the only weirdo here but I've maintained friendships with
some of my exes. Since some of them know me mostly inside and out (ha ha, no pun intended) they understand the honesty and trust that comes with a relationship. Some people are so damn jealous and insecure nowadays that their mind starts wandering and thinking, "why the hell does
she/he want to hang with their ex?" "They going for a little sack
session?" "Am I not fulfilling all their desires?", Blah, blah, blah.
Personally, I say,why not? I don't burn bridges unless in extreme circumstances but sometimes an ex who has actually maintained contact has truly contributed to my life. Just because I want to spend time with an ex doesn't mean that I'm still in love with him nor have feelings for him. You know those classes we took in high school or still take in college
where the professor says, in my class, you start with an A. If you don't fulfill your duties and responsibilities as a student, you get what you worked for. So, since I've had my share of good/bad relationships, thats how my relationships start, with a clean slate, fresh start, respect, honesty, and trust that is hopefully reciprocated as well. If a man and woman can't offer each other that regardless of whom they spend their time with, then whats the whole point of having a relationship? Ha ha, but who am I to talk? I'm a woman who enjoys her singlehood but at least I have set expectations for the next man that manages to get me, and if basic values that should be in a relationship are not met then I will happily remain a stress free single woman, lol.

Sylvia Hubbard said...

I guess I'm the sarcastic one of the group because I'd say "hold on" and call up one of my ex's and say, "Hey, my boyfriend's thinking about hanging out with his ex, you wanna catch a movie cause I know you've been dying to go out with me again."

I'd be staring at my boyfriend with a goofy smile like, 'what? you're doing it?'

Emanuel Carpenter said...

Hanging with the ex to me translates to sex with the ex, which is grounds for being kicked to the curb. "Oh, go hang with your ex. Just don't plan on coming back to me."

-Emanuel

nola said...

now, i'm pretty open minded, but i agree with most people who've chimed in - it's a bad idea. even if your significant other is honest and just wnats to hang out with the ex in a purely platonic way, i would bet that the ex likely has something else in mind. aside from that, i'd be upset that, given the option between spending time with me or someone else (expecially an ex!), i was not the chosen one. sounds to me like a cue to reassess and move the hell on!

Love said...

Before I even indulge in the comments of others, I'd like to post a comment to this scenario. First I hope that I am understanding the situation correctly, if not, please let me know. Now if my man stated that he wanted to hang out with his ex-girlfriend...honestly, I would not be affected, and for many reasons. One, I have to realize that I do not own this person and that he and I mutually agreed to share each others companionship, and for what ever reason that I did not satisfy him in any aspect, does not give me the authority to take his happiness away. See, I respect a friendship 100% more than a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. And until we have reach the level of a selfless love for one another can we proceed to the next level. Two, I have too many other things going on in my life to stop and worry about every little thing that he's doing. Which leads to the trust factor. Any man that I deal with, I must be able to trust, and that is something personally worked out between to the consenting parties, not just a five letter word. It's funny that you write on such a topic, this one is my favorite...it sparks all sorts of emotions...if the world operated off of emotion...we'd probably all be dead.---LoveY

Love said...

Tiff is on point...

Love said...

Before I even indulge in the comments of others, I'd like to post a comment to this scenario. First I hope that I am understanding the situation correctly, if not, please let me know. Now if my man stated that he wanted to hang out with his ex-girlfriend...honestly, I would not be affected, and for many reasons. One, I have to realize that I do not own this person and that he and I mutually agreed to share each others companionship, and for what ever reason that I did not satisfy him in any aspect, does not give me the authority to take his happiness away. See, I respect a friendship 100% more than a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. And until we have reach the level of a selfless love for one another can we proceed to the next level. Two, I have too many other things going on in my life to stop and worry about every little thing that he's doing. Which leads to the trust factor. Any man that I deal with, I must be able to trust, and that is something personally worked out between to the consenting parties, not just a five letter word. It's funny that you write on such a topic, this one is my favorite...it sparks all sorts of emotions...if the world operated off of emotion...we'd probably all be dead.---LoveY

Anonymous said...

i agree w/ love. except, if there had been an indication of going out first and she or he knew they were not being honest - regardless of who it is, they are wrong for not being honest t say in the first place that they wanted to see this person. I think thats what i get from reading it, i may be wrong. its not the ex, but the fact that the way it came to see them was foul and misleading. I would have liked to known, then maybe that will save me some gas the way prices are now, in stead of finding out when i get there to pick them up....Malik

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