Thursday, February 23, 2006

we no longer make that model

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing to request a catalog for the woman of my dreams. I have looked high and low the regular way, but I figure it may be easier to get one via mail order catalogue. To make your selection easier, I would like for her to have the following characteristics:
1] I would like her to be able to accept me as I am and love me unconditionally.

2] I would like for her to open her heart and arms to me and my family with out question

3] I would like for her to be mine and only mine and appreciate me with every bit of passion her heart can muster

4] I would like for her to support me and be able to bring me up when I am down

5] I would like for her to do for me as I would for her

6] I would like for her to be faithful to me as I would to her and never cheat on me as I would never cheat on her

7] I’d like her to fix me neck-bones and hot water corn bread even if she didn’t eat pork because she knew I liked pork

8] I’d like her to want to desire me sedulously, amorously, and sexually every time she saw me

9] I’d like her not to be mean, evil, vile, and/or heinous.

10] I’d like for her to be strong, secure and optimistic about herself and what she brings to the table

11] When she calls on the telephone, I’d like for her to ask about me, and my day and not ask, need or want something all the time instead.

12] and doesn't complain saying that my penis is too large


This is all for now, if you need any additional information I can be reached at this address.


Response:

Dear Sir:

I regret to inform you that we no longer have that model in stock. In fact we no longer make those anymore. If you like we can send you a list of our money hungry, groupie selfish women. That’s all we have in stock.

31 comments:

Melissa said...

CAN'T DO ANYTHING BUT LAUGH AT THAT ONE LOL!

Mz. Jonz said...

Hey...that's not fair...LOL...you need to check out Illinois before coming to that conclusion!!! (smile)

brooklyn babe said...

I was just about to say.... let me know when you finish "blow that doll" up...!!!!! LMAO!
*jokes aside*
We women are out their like that...
You know on a good day, when my meds kick in, I can be all that in between commercials.... (and personalities...)

Lol.... okay I'm a silly mood.
PEACE
Bk Babe

Anonymous said...

Dear Sir,

No woman is that perfect... some come pretty close but hey you gotta take some bad with the good long as the bad is the kind you can work with. Maybe not that exact model is available but hey we have one in a similar Model, order at your own risk. lol

Shay

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

now thats what im talking about SHAY, I dont acknowledge perfection, just a woman in the mold of my mom and granny and good looking Brooklybabe - keep on them meds-lol

Honey-Libra said...

LOL funny

Poetic Blue said...

I think you contacted the wrong company. I'm sure that some company produces that model.

Emanuel Carpenter said...

Hey Torrance,

Since your list says "would like" instead of "must have" I see nothing wrong with it because in reality we know that one person can't be all things for another. Hopefully, you'll get the best of the list as well as BE the best of the list for your lady. I noticed that there were no physical attributes on the list. Is that a trait you can honestly overlook?

Love said...

Dear Sir,

I read your letter today, and it’s unfortunate that you didn’t contact “Love 4 Ewe 2” in the search of the woman of your dreams. At “Love 4 Ewe 2” we supply ‘Out of Stock & Hard to Find Models’, and today must be your lucky day because we have one last woman that meets the exact description of your request.

She has no factory or man-made conditions to hinder her ability to love you as if you were her own.

Her heart has been open for quite some time now and is waiting to be completed by a loving family that includes a man with your outlined qualifications.

Although, I cannot guarantee the transfer of ownership today, or that she will love you the exact way you would like her to, I’m sure she’ll love you with all that she has.

She’s been trained to provide ongoing support and uplifting to all those she encounters.

With our models, each loving and/or kind action is reciprocated.

I’m sure that if you two mutually discuss and understand all the rules in full detail, she will be faithful, loyal, and not cheat by changing the rules mid-shift.

With this model, if you prepare the menu in advance; she’ll provide the delectable service in timely fashion regularly to assure that you and the family remain healthy and carefree.

If reciprocated, I can almost guarantee that she will be fond of loving you, and will require you to desire her as you have so graciously described in your request number 8.

Because you are requesting the model of ‘a woman’ I have to remind you “Hell hath no fury like the wrath of a woman’s scorn. Therefore, I cannot guarantee that she will not be mean, but we carefully train our models to be morally correct, non-vengeful, loving and kind on all accounts. Please carefully handle her.

Because she is human, and has doubts, fears and real emotions, we’ve actually boosted the confidence and esteem levels in our models. I will tell you though that the more you encourage this specific model, will be the more you get from it.

The model that we have in stock is equipped to take on the needs of their loved ones before addressing their own, but I must inform you that they will prioritize the level of importance first.

Because we see that you are qualified for this caliber of a woman, we are willing to offer her to you for a full payment of 100% love, which includes, honesty, loyalty, sincerity, dedication, security, and of course, passion.

To obtain more information on this specific model, or make a payment, please forward your request to Love4ewe2@yahoo.com, but hurry, remember she is the very last one we have.

PAOLA said...

Today is your lucky day!!! ***LOOK NO FURTHER!***
...And here i am.... The Model that LOVE was talking about. Any questions??? NO Exchanges! No RefundS!! No Shipping Fees (maybe a few Handling ones!)
Love,
Your out of stock and hard to find model. REFINED!

Mizrepresent said...

Well T,

this really cracked me up...in a very good way...my list exactly, in reverse...if u know what i mean....where do we find this fine stock...well, i find my man, everyday...in my dreams.

Miz JJ said...

Maybe that woman isn't coming in the package you desire. That woman may not come looking like a video dancer, but I know she exists. Perhaps that's the problem because I know plenty of black woman that would meet those criteria, but they don't look like Beyoncé.

kjenkins said...

LOL. you are TOO much for this one, especially for that last requirement. I'm sure you can find osmeone like this....keep looking.

Soulfull said...

LOL @ #7! Aww, this is too cute and I respect your honesty. It's always good to know upfront what you want to "buy" before you go "shopping"! ;-)

Oh yeah, thanks for checking out my blog! I appreciate the kind words!

NegroPino™ said...

That was cute......I thought it was seriously you..or is it?

Rena said...

How cute is that!? Yo are to much sir. Its not that the model isn't available, Unfortunately there have been several upgrades to the model that other clients have been so pleased with we no longer feel the need to re-produce this model.lol Most women are like this everyday, we just require most of the same.
1) Accept HER with all her flaws and love her w/o restrictio.
2) expect her to love you, your children and TOLERATE other family especially if they are ignant.
3) Ditto, but daily if necessary make certain she KNOWS she in return is appreciated.
4) Be her knight in shining armour, her Don Juan.
5) Just because you have her, dont stop romancing he. She still needs to feelbeautiful.
6) Hot water cornbread is a hot commodity and in low supply so special reward is to be presented when this item is made available. (use your imagination)
7) All have insecurities, nurture and love puts them to rest.
8)As in days of old' provide all needs and some wants( even if she has her own money) and this will not be an iss. Because as stated afew #'s back she too will provide for you if need calls for it.
9)This is the most imporant issue on this list: USE YOUR PENIS WITH EXTREME CARE! The vagina is a very sensitive area. Please proceed with extrme care!

Rena said...

How cute is that!? Yo are to much sir. Its not that the model isn't available, Unfortunately there have been several upgrades to the model that other clients have been so pleased with we no longer feel the need to re-produce this model.lol Most women are like this everyday, we just require most of the same.
1) Accept HER with all her flaws and love her w/o restrictio.
2) expect her to love you, your children and TOLERATE other family especially if they are ignant.
3) Ditto, but daily if necessary make certain she KNOWS she in return is appreciated.
4) Be her knight in shining armour, her Don Juan.
5) Just because you have her, dont stop romancing he. She still needs to feelbeautiful.
6) Hot water cornbread is a hot commodity and in low supply so special reward is to be presented when this item is made available. (use your imagination)
7) All have insecurities, nurture and love puts them to rest.
8)As in days of old' provide all needs and some wants( even if she has her own money) and this will not be an iss. Because as stated afew #'s back she too will provide for you if need calls for it.
9)This is the most imporant issue on this list: USE YOUR PENIS WITH EXTREME CARE! The vagina is a very sensitive area. Please proceed with extrme care!

ConShusVerbz said...

hmmmm..."out of stock, out of mind" i say. keep it movin shawty. being that you do have that big heart/brain/penis thing goin, you have ~carte blanche~ for the catalog and dont EVER have to bemoan any complaints or concerns with the outdated, nonfunctional &/or otherwise useless. create as you go baby...its UR dirty world!

Anonymous said...

I like it. We all wish we can order that person to match exactly what we want. I mean wouldn't that be great! Although from boths view-points, 'all' those qualities are rare to come by. But it's wonderful and it just makes me think and want to be a better woman.

BashfulT said...

Too many men are looking for what's on the outside, instead of the inside. If they would just appreciate a women, no matter what, they would find that their perfect model is right in front of them.
Model No. 29

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

rean u the truth gurl - lol

Anonymous said...

Torrance your shopping at the wrong dealer's getting those used beat up models, when us good strong women are out here. That mutual respect has to be there from the beginning because these days you only get out what you put in. You have "some" women that say your not getting fed or getting no pussy till you do this or buy this for me, which isn't right. You need a woman that is going to treat you like the king that you are and you in favor do the same no matter what. No complaints about your dick being to big because if she trust and love you she should know your going to be that gentle and loving king she met from day one. Talk to you soon love...

Aunt Jackie said...

you lost me on the neck bones, although in spirit I would totally try..in actuality the smell of pork makes me ill...

could I perhaps find a nice woman to make you some neck bones and deliver them to the house?

Beautifully.Conjured.Up said...

LOL at #7, 12.

I hope you can do all those things for her as well...it takes two.

BeKinky_Paula said...

LOL...Someone is still making them. While we are putting in orders, I have one of my own (I'm sure we all do)...LOL

and stop talking about how big your penis is geeeeeeeeezzzzzzzz It's abnormally large. We understand.

neshia said...

i am waiting on you for long time now so step up

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