What is the difference between a woman who was raised with a father in their lives versus a woman that had no such influence? I asked myself because as some of you may know, I am the father of a precious little piece of pound cake I named Chianti. In addition to that, I have been involved with a multitude of women and it just dawned on me that those that were the most turbulent and tumultuous were with women who had no fathers in their lives. Let me see if I can explain. My boys, all of which have little girls and I have all come to the general conclusion that our little girls will be alright just for the simple fact that they have active men in the form of fathers in their lives.We all joke and say things off the cuff about this asserting that they will make fine wives because the look at football, or that they will not want to have some thug fuckboy for a man because they will expect more from a man and know what a man is supposed to be by having an active father.
So I assert that a girl who never sees such, will not know what a man is in character and action, and as such will not know what qualities she should look for and expect from a man and as a result will not know how to treat a man and sustain a meaningful relationship with one. All this is just philosophical conjecture on my part but I do think it has some merit. I mean if the role of a man is to provide, shelter and protect his family, and a man does such, a woman who has never learned that the aforementioned comprise a strong mate, will not know how to reward such actions, and may even complain about such qualities if she if fortunate to find such a person. In fact she may even over look such qualities and take them for granted. Or worse end up with a man that beats and disrespects here on the regular.
I am not saying that women don’t have a role in this – they do. For a girl raised seeing a loving and caring interaction between her mother and father will learn how mates reward each other and take care of each other needs. From a woman, they should learn how to treat a man and keep them happy. However, I feel that girls raised on households with just a mother, may not learn these lessons (just as boys without fathers). Being such, they will add to a more dysfunctional society by not knowing what defines a man, how to select a man, or even how to keep a man. Such people are and will be never satisfied with anything they see in their mate because they will not know what qualities merit respect, value and appreciation. For I woul;d not like her to grow up like the 14yr old girl Akon freaked on stage in. Well, at least the way I see it. But not my little girl, even I have to show or try to show her what a woman is.
26 comments:
You have some valid points. I am a woman who grew up without my father. I had a surrogate father, my maternal grandfather. He provided financially. Beyond that I feel like my entire family missed out on some key things in life due to his silence. He was not very demonstrative.
I can say from my limited experience with a male role model in the home, I know what is not a good man. Now, as far as my treatment of the good qualities in a man, other issues growing up come into play. My mom was not as active in my childhood at times. So I have issues that stem from abandonment and neglect, this makes me weary of people at times.
I have two awesome good male friends and they have helped me appreaciate good qualities in men.
As another proud father of an African American Princess, I feel you Raw Dog.
I was philosphizin with one of my homies last night about this very same subject. We were talking about it in the context of the influences that hip-hop and the rest of this culture can have on our children. I maintain that i can and will be the biggest influence on my daughter's development and that if I do my job, NOTHING the world can throw at her will ever bring her down.
Now all we have to do is convince every father of a daughter to feel that way.
I agree with this blog...I think having a fatherly figure in the household is important. Not saying that all fathers that are in the household are good fathers, but the fact that they are there does help us as women recognize the positive and negative things in a man. It helps us to determine what type of man we would want for ourselves. I grew up with my father in my household. He was a great provider, my siblings and I never wanted for anything...he instilled in us knowledge and power....however, he was mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive to my mother...in front of us. This behavior made me wish that he wasnt there...but then in the same breath...he would express love towards my siblings and I. I was confused as a child. I often thought hitting and screaming was the way to show a man/woman how much you love them....especially in dramatic situations. I had to learn the importance of communication as an adult because it wasnt displayed in my household. My father spoke to my mother with harsh words or with his hands. So with that being said, I am grateful that my father was there as a father, but I wish he had lived in a different household for the sake of us and my mother. SO at least I know what I DO NOT want and WILL NOT tolerate from a man.
I assume you mean that we women need good male role models. Not just any man will do. I think a woman growing up in a household with an abusive/emotionally absent male might be scarred just as much, or more, than if she had no father figure at all.
My Dad is AWESOME and I married a man just like him. A girl learns so much from her father...
i hope i will be an awsome dad one day
I think it is very important for little girls to know their fathers. I don’t mean sperm donors, I mean Fathers. My father was not perfect by any means, but he was there. He spent time with me and told me I was sweet, smart, and beautiful. So when males told me that I had it going on it, this was not a revelation, I had already been validated by my father. I knew what I brought to the table and would not tolerate anyone who was not on my level. My father also taught me what a mother can’t teach her daughter, and that is “the game”. My father schooled me on the ways of men so that his baby girl was not caught out there. He told me of sure signs to know when a man had my best interest at heart and when he didn’t. He told it to me hard, raw and real. I knew about “he’s not that into you” way before the book came out… lol My father is my rock even now, I know that I am loved and worthy to be loved because he loved me first.
That's real talk! I don't think it's a coincidence that it takes male & female to create a life....naturally it takes both to nurture that life. I'm not knocking single parents at all b/c we all know life happens and single parents can be and have been successful but I am saying a child, boy or girl, needs at least one positive influence from both sexes. Simply put, there are life lessons best taught by Mother (or a positive female figure) and some that need/must be taught by Daddy (or a positive male figure).
My daddy (RIP) was my first love, talked to me real all my life about real life issues (simple & complex), taught me how to relate to, communicate with and nurture a man…told me what to expect from men (good & bad) and explained a man’s need to feel appreciated and valued by his woman, schooled me to the game and even told me where I went wrong the first time I got played by a dude (LOL)... He taught me the value of being lady-like and about taking pride in my appearance, etc….. He was a good provider, a good teacher, a comforter and protector. Most importantly, he made sure I understood my worth! If I know nothing else, I know what a good man looks like and I surely know how to walk away from anything that doesn’t fit the model. I am not saying I’m perfect or without issues; however I know I am valuable and deserving of everything good and I know this because my daddy told me so!
I also know that when you have someone or something good in your life, you will surely lose it good if you don’t appreciate, love and nurture it. All the beauty, etiquette, intellect and good sex in the world won’t keep anyone around that feels unappreciated and taken for granted. Having a warm meal ready for my man when he arrives home, the man that provides for, comforts and protects me and my children, doesn’t make me his slave or any less valuable. Nothing is promised and no one owes you a thing…..it’s as basic as saying thank you when someone does something nice for you. Relationships of any kind require give & take and a child surely benefits when he or she sees this demonstrated from day one of his/her life.
Baby Cuzin’
PS: Shout out to my Mama who has also taught me some good stuff!!!
I had an awesome father too! Even though, my mother and father didn't get along in the later years...i can appreciate what each of them contributed to the family...i also so my father take in and raise another family, not of his blood, but gathered us together to be one, and my mom, strong and independent, raised me to be the same...it does a lot of good to have both parents, but if not, if we take the good, infuse the bad, and learn from both, we can indeed provide a proper layout for our descendants...my girl is stong and independent, she has been privied to have a strong and reliable father figure, and mother, my son, has learned to respect woman, to appreciate them, to love them, and yet, honor his manhood and not be a wimp...so it's all good here and i'm happy at the outcome.
Excellent post RDB, excellent post
whew...dude! the post was like dat! I loved it and the comments are great.
I understand the need for the positive male role model for both sexes in their youth. A positive father role model should be able to show a young man how to treat a woman and also show his daughter how to accept the right treatment only.
thanks for the post and for stopping in on my blog.
peace and love, son!
I am a proud Daddy's Girl!
My dad is my BEST friend. On many levels that fact has made it difficult for me to relate to many men who were raised by parents who did not teach them to be responsible men. It is also difficult for me to deal with chauvanistic men who feel that women have "their" place, because my father has always talked to my sisters and me intelligently and he encourages us to be strong women who use our mental & verbal abilities fully. In addition, my father was not a sports fanatic, so I have no 'love' for sports - which too many brothers place TOO much emphasis & priorities on - they're supposed to be entertainment, for goodness sakes.
Great Post! I think MORE Men should be aware of how their interactions with their daughters affect the decisions in OUR lives!
CAP, sounds like you had a cool dad. I like when fathers encourage daughters to be more than what society says.
Yes, Shai - I am blessed to have an amazing father. I didn't always realize it, i surely cherish my time with him now!
Hello Torrance, I really enjoyed your post. I feel proud whenever fellow black men acknowledge and uplift the importance of family. As of yet I don't have my own family (wife, kids, etc.), but I do realize the importance of a functional family unit and strong support structure. I, like many others, come from a broken home, which lacked both father and mother. As children my siblings and I had to grow up pretty fast and independent of supervision and guidance. Eventually we were placed in foster homes, but even those were typically single-parent homes and didn't provide strong examples of healthy relationships.
However, the purpose of this note is let those out there who weren't blessed with loving parental figures know that all is not lost. You can still grow and mature into healthy, emotionally stable individuals. For example, my older sister is now married to great guy and has a precious baby girl named Morgan Alexis who just celebrated her one year birthday on Friday. After several years of marriage my sister and my brother-in-law are still very happy. And then, of course, there's me, I am in a happy relationship with a wonderful woman who I treat like she is the first and only woman to ever walk the Earth. Neither my sister nor myself ever had a viable example of what a functional relationship is supposed to be like, but we manage healthy relationships.
Now I will admit that the odds are against those who grow up in broken homes without one or more parents. I have a total of 10 siblings, not including myself, and so far our only 'success' stories has been my older sister, Priscilla, and myself. One might ask what has made the difference; in a word: exposure. Both of us left our home town of Kankakee, IL after graduating college, Priscilla went to Philadelphia where she attended Villanova University and I moved to Charleston, IL where I attended Eastern Illinois University. I think interacting with people who were brought up in a two-parent homes gave us a broader perspective and a better idea of what we should be looking for. Meanwhile coming from our humble and unfortunate circumstances kept us grounded whereas many of the people around us were spoiled with unrealistic idealized perceptions of what life was supposed to be like.
In the end the harsh reality of life is that are no guarantees, but having wonderful, loving, and interactive parents can make or break the development of our children. Much love to you brother keep being a positive motivational force in little Chianti's life.
-Jernell
www.jrosenthal.freeservers.com
I agree! Even though I may not have liked some of the influence my dad has provided in my entire life, we're best friends now! I can see the difference between myself and others who didn't have that father figure present in their lives. How can we choose the perfect partner for ourselves if we don't have that father figure to look up to and learn from his experiences and mistakes?
excellent post. like you, i have my little sugar plum for whom my world revolves. earlier, i believe CapCity said that being raised by her father makes it difficult for her to relate to men who were not raised by their parents to be responsible men. i would only hope that my daughter will hold out for (and seek out) men who are modeled after her "dear old dad!"
i try to be a responsible father, like my father before me. and i sought out a wife who was loving, responsible, and valued the family-unit like my mother. it is every hope that we are "excellent examples" for the type of woman my daughter will grow up to be.
thanks for the encouraging article, you've made my day! your brilliance is evident in your posts, i will surely add this blog to my BlogRoll at plezWorld, i encourage you to add mine to yours. thanks!
Plez (& other fathers of girls), just be patient with your daughter(s) as she explores, it may take her a while (I think my soul-mate has finally found me...we're both over 39. LOL!:-).
I held onto the faith that there ARE responsible, good (AND Sexy;-) Brothers who can be ALL that a man should be for his help-mate. Of course, I had much growing to do, too.
I have a saying;
Be the man you want your daughter to marry and your son to be.
Be the woman you want your son to marry and your daughter to be.
Excellent post
Ah, I love this post. Thank you for sharing it with me. I had my father in my life, actually two - my biological and my stepfather. Both took care of me and provided me with shelter, food and clothes BUT I was never protected, hell I needed protection from my stepfather.(I don't know how to add links to comments but I wrote about it under my entires in the header titled "She Use to Be The Sweetest Girl".) I realized that I was so use to chaos and seeing unhealthy relationships between men and women growing up, I thought it was normal and okay for be to involved in relationships like that. When I realized it wasn't I got it quickly. But I didn't know how to handle a good man, and I had to shape up or ship out before it was too late.
I really enjoyed this write it was very personal and insightful, I was very blessed an fortunate to have my farther in mylife an still do so, and beacuse of him I do know what to exspect of a man. I have notice in friends and co-workers who did not have their dads they tend to make poor choice in men an except less. Not to say i havent had my share of bad relationships i jst werent in the as long I have a Zero otlerance plociy. nice write once again keep up the good work
What a wonderful AND relevant topic to explore. I do agree with the crux of your argument: it is true that a woman raised with an absent OR negative father figure will most likely develop issues with her future relations with men. Whether or not the woman is aware, she was never able to obtain a personal example of what positive qualities a man should possess, nor does she have an example of how a man and woman should relate to one another in a relationship.
Both parental figures play a vital role in the healthy development of a child, it may not necessarily need to be biological mom and dad persay, but some sort of healthy balance of both in the community that raises the child (aunites, uncles, step parents, god parents, grand parents, ect.) is necessary.
When we aren't raised with such figures in our lives, future relationships are strained and when we have children they fall into the cycle and it repeats itself, similar to what has happened in the African American community.
I enjoyed this post and I must say that I totally agree. It wasn't until my junior year of college that I realized that I measured what a man should and should not do by the actiosn of my father. For instance, an old boyfriend of mine kept insisting that I give him a key to my apartment. I always refused saying: My dad doesnt even have a key and he pays my rent! Also, when I decided where I stood on physical abuse, my logic was that my dad doesn't hit me, so why would I tolerate that from another man?
So I agree with you and kudos to you for being a stand up father.
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