Tuesday, February 26, 2008

If they do nothing 4 u, u are worth nothing to them

1] Im over Memphis Lost to UT, 2] We Ball in TN u see Vandy get up in that UT ass, & 3] i just love these lyrics "like you'll never see me again" by Alicia Keys. And sorry no pictures today.

Now life has bestowed its share of hardships upon me. In the past and recently, but I still preserver, never get down or depresses, focus on problem solving and move on. But there are things that I have learned in these periods of time that stay with me forever. One of them is that if you do for others, either at any time, or more importantly in their times of need, and they do nothing for you, either at anytime, or in your time of need.

I wish I could say such folks are selfish, but I can’t, for objectively I think they know they take and never give. Maybe it is a personal insecurity, or maybe they just have no home training. Whatever the case, they have expectations when you perform and it just amazes me how they do not imagine or see that others may not have similar expectations.

In the long term actions show value and worth. Just as words do at times, but only when they are grounded with actions. I speak from experience and such folks take on different auras. The strange thing is that they claim and act as if they are self sufficient and independent and don’t need the help or assistance of others. I have one friend who is my age, he is always claiming how he enjoys being single and having no kids and that he is independent, yet he stays with his parents, pays no bills and drives their other auto. The there is the woman I know, who claims she is independent, yet she can’t take care of herself, can’t pay her own bills to keep a roof over her head and depends on a man that she obviously doesn’t love to maintain her. She is the type that thinks about her weed habit over her children’s need for diapers or daycare. I consider both of the aforementioned my friends, but yet the instability in their lives that hey fail to ignore, doesn’t allow for me to expect anything from them except to ask for favors.

So for me, it is more important to cherish and show value to those that assist me in my times of need. No mater who they are. I want them to know they can call on me when their car breaks down, because they know I a dependable and a man of my word. I learned such from my parents and grandparents. Such folks, albeit are good people at heart, cannot put themselves in the shoes of others. They are so focused o their own little myopic square of the world that they forget, and worse, don’t know or have any understanding of carrying, sacrifice, respect or giving. These are foreign concepts for al they see is themselves that they have a trip to go on, or need new shoes, or want to go to the Hawks game. No, they don’t understand, that some folks live day-to-day worrying about how they will feed their families, or whether or not some lunatic with a bomb across their chest will pick to blow up beside them. They even laugh off such as being unrealistic. They would even get upset if you stopped doing or being there for them.

I just question why folks as such ask me why don’t I call them or answer their calls anymore. I do not desire to be rude, but I would hope hat they could look in the mirror for such answers. Or else I would reply, “why call you, when I speak with you, you fuss and complain about what you want or need, and what you do not have, not to mention what do you do for me? Nothing, which means not even in gesture or action, I am worth nothing to you.

38 comments:

bernice said...

My mother told me long ago that in this world there are 'givers' and 'takers'.
From that, I have categorized people as such. For the 'takers', I continue to give for it is my nature. I just do not expect anything in return from them.
I can be what I am and have no stress from disappointments; I have had enough of those.

Be who you are and whatever you give, it will be returned to you in multitude.

Christina said...

I can't tell you what reading your words this a.m means to me. I am realizing that I too mean nothing to someone in my life.

People ask me, why don't you just tell this person how you feel... why should I? This person showing me kindness/changing ways is not going to keep my kids fed, this person showing me the respect I give is not going to pay my bills.

Givers or takers, life goes on. I just don't happen to be comfortable being a taker. I will pat myself on the back and say, I was raised right:+)

Although a hard realization to accept at times there are people out here( who we may have known for quite sometime) that just don't care. Sad but true.

Sometimes it can even be family members.

Let go and let God. It's all I can do. Life is too short to focus on these type of people.
Keep being you and it will come back to you generously.
Be well sweetie

Tera said...

I have learned from experience that you almost cannot do a good deed for friends and/family and expect reciprocity...it is ever so discouraging. There are people out there that love to receive and never give.

It is always interesting to see who steps up to the plate in my time of need, and the funny thing is it NEVER is the person I was there for the most.

Exquisitely Black said...

Your words ring so true with me. Over the last couple years, I've sorted through my friends, kept some, discarded others and have some still on the fence.

For me, the major issue is those friends that are selfish enough to drone on and on about themselves, yet rarely ask anything more than the most obligatory questions about me. I deem such people are boring, insecure and unworthy of my time.

memphiz said...

Very true indeed! I had the same situation and have had to cut people off. I rarely ask anybody for anything unless it's something I really need help with.

I love helping people out but there comes a point where you need stop helping!

Peace & Blessings

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

Bernice - true, i give, thats my blessing, but i cut off too.

christina - hey, glad to be of support to u, do tell more, and family members can be the worse ones and you should tell them

Tera - that is a tell tale sign, who steps up to the plate

EB - dont you wish we could abrogate all of the selfish folks fromm the world and put them on one planet

Memphis - I know thats right, be safe

DeadMule said...

Send me poems, T. You'll be there.

bernice said...

I would feel sorry for that planet's resources.
:-)

Although, they may blow it up and the debris would end up back here.
Bummer!

Tamra said...

Exactly why I'm about to write my brother out of my life. Completely.

He doesn't appear to want to understand that relationships are about give and take. He's like a black hole that absorbs good deeds and good energy. He reciprocates absolutely nothing--no birthday card; no "thank you" when I send him books, clothes, plane tickets, and care packages; no "Hey sis, how's it going," etc. That shit gets old.

I'm done. I write off energy-drainers like that. It hurts because he's my bro (which is the only reason I've been patient this long), but I just can't stand it anymore--and I'll get over it.

I've tried everything I can to connect, but I can't and I'm tired of trying--I've told him how I feel and everything (time after time). I think I may post about it over the next week or two because I have to get it out of me once and for all.

Thanks for the post--glad to see that it's not just me.

"D" said...

Peace T!

I will attempt to make this short…..LOL

Our thoughts are what drive our energy into motion. E-motion (energy + motion). In relationship is where we exist. If it weren’t for our relationship to the environment and people/things in it, we would not exist, right? Relationship, engaging, consists of the energy I put out to you and the energy you receive and throw back out at me. Engaging. That is just one of the many laws of the universe. When we are in one form or the other, giving or receiving, and we don’t reciprocate……. There is no balance. Abundant life is about seeking the balance in all things.

So I ask you this, my brother, isn’t it one of the most imperative questions that we ask our SELF……. Who am I allowing to drain my life force? For my energy, my spirit, is the very life force I AM. When someone I choose to engage with is only receiving the energy that I throw out, I am not in balance because the simple law means I need reciprocation in order to continue the engaging, right? The same is true for the receiver of my energy output. They have no balance in that and therefore cannot experience balance.

In the universe’s well crafted design, there are many laws……… gravity – what goes up must come down, what goes in must come out……. So you see that in relationship, even that law overlaps with some of the others. WHAT GOES IN MUST COME OUT. Not in a keeping tab sort of way but we are speaking about energy here. The same energy I put in must come out for a balance in relationship.

Love, brother, is FREEDOM, JUSTICE and EQUALITY. If those three things are not present, LOVE cannot and does not exist. So I ask you this……. Are you being JUST to yourself by allowing these other spirits to drain yours? NO. When we continue to engage in something that is against the laws, we are realistically going against nature and our SELF. We must apply those three principles of love to the SELF first. They must be moving in us to be able to move outside the SELF.

Just as we see in our global societies, with the raping, murder, war, lies and deceit that we experience daily, we are reaping the many years of human kind going against these simple laws of nature. My point is, law unrecognized will cause conflict. Nature and God are not cruel. They are JUST and if we do not recognize the laws we are in opposition to, they will manifest more of what we give them. Then we are in a room somewhere asking GOD why would he do this to us? He didn’t do anything except give JUSTICE to our actions. We failed to operate within the rules!

We tend to think to our SELF……. I am a “good” person. But one thing I have learned is that being “good” is not in our once or twice of kind acts. But rather in our day to day, moment to moment, state of BEING. So when we look at the discomforts in our life, we must ask our SELF……What have I done to receive this type energy. It may not be related to the particular current uncomfortable issue. But maybe if we look behind all the doors in our activities, we may find the answer in one area of our life where we are behaving against a certain law. Hence, the manifestation of our discomfort.

For example: A woman is being beat by her husband……. She chooses to stay, knowing she will inevitably be beat again. She assumes she is not responsible for his behavior because she cannot control his actions. She says to her SELF…..I did nothing wrong, I am a good wife. And she is right but one must look deeper at the WHOLE of the situation. She may not have hit him, nor cussed him but what DID she do? She stayed. And there can be a plethora of reasons as to why she is choosing not to remove herself from the situation like, the kids, money or any number of other reasons. But look at it, observe it, is she being JUST to her SELF by continuing to risk her life by remaining in a relationship with him? NO. Being JUST to herself would mean that she not allow this other spirit to drain her life force. She must see her value and know that it is not SAFE to engage with this person.

I know that is a random example but it is as simple as knowing our own value of not attempting to relate to someone who does not reciprocate the level of energy I invest in my relationship with them. It is not about a favor or a ride or a loan on some money or any other form of monetary object. It is about PRINCIPLE. Our life force is all we have realistically and we must be very careful of who we allow to interact with it!

One Love,
Deanna

focusedpurpose said...

hi there-

i think we all at some time or another have these experiences. i wrote about it as well. i think it was called grant me patience, Lord...but hurry!:-)

the takers in my life have taught me to budget my energies. to never give until i am depleted. and to patiently, at times, love them from a distance. sometimes...permanently.

you have been added to my blog roll my new friend. i enjoy listening to your voice.

blessings!
focusedpurpose

Blah Blah Blah said...

...I'm not as evolved...
I think I am the taker...or is that "reciever"?

Me too...AK lines...

KELSO'S NUTS said...

Well, T, considering that my 2nd ex-wife used to be Ol' Dirty Bastard's publicist, I ought to give my comment to you "live and uncut" and "RAW."

What you are describing are variations of "maturity" and "courage". And that you still ponder these questions at our age means you're also describing "humanity."

I've found that during the course of my life maybe 5 people were there for me when I was in dire need and came through with no questions aaked. Two of these people are now dead. That leaves me with 3 people I can call "friends."

I'll use the word "friend" in place of "acquaintance" for the rest of the people with whom I get along amicably and with some laughs, but a "friend" is something different. I tend to be a little too free with my aid and succor and I've been burned.

I have learned to create smallish tests to see how real a potential friend is. One time I invested some money in a person's start-up business as a favor more than anything else. It was not a small amount. He was always late with my statements and my dividends and I knew he was skimming. So, I wrote it off to bad judgment and forgot about it until he did something very trivial that offended me. He purposefully excluded me from a certain social event. I told him the next day that I had been a prince about the money and the accounts and he'd treated me disrespectfully and I insisted on being paid the next day and given all back statements.

He complied grudgingly but did not apologize for his behavior. Some months later he needed some cash in a hurry -- again, a lot -- and kept pestering me and pestering me and pestering me and I kept saying I didn't have the money and if I had it I wouldn't lend it to him because I didn't like the way he did business. He said "you love watching me suffer, don't you?" I replied "not at all, but I do think you are learning valuable life lessons." I don't enjoy this kind of thing at all.

How this will turn out is anyone's guess. Probably with a tax write-off for me and his ruination. I sleep fine.

There was another person I ran across whom I considered could possibly be a friend. He, too, tried to take advantage of my good nature. He asked to borrow $10,000for one week. This is the kind of smallish test I was referring to.

I told him that I didn't want to hear any stories and that I hoped the money would solve his problems and I expected it back in a week's time. A week went by and he asked for another week, which I granted.

Another week went by and he asked for two more weeks in exchange for $10,500. He gave me some bullshit story but I said "fine -- sounds fair I don't need to hear any excuses." Two weeks. $10,500.

At the end of the two weeks,he called with yet another bullshit story and I said "no". I am a very amiable guy but I have my limits. I told him that if he did not give me the $10,500 that evening, I would sell his marker on the street for $7500 and his new creditor would be charging him 10% fortnightly. Good business to be a shylock, no? Figure the PV and FV on that move for the lender and how easy it would have been for me to move the debt.

I told my "friend" that my hands would be washed of this whole mess and if he didn't come up with the money that night, I never knew him. He'd have to deal with a guy with an ARMY not some random little college guy he used to socialize with. I would have slept fine.

I got paid in full that evening and I learned something concrete about this person and something abstract about human beings.

It's a process. I've only partially figured it out. Goes a bit back to Perilloux. If my judgment can be so bad, why should his be good?

Christopher said...

Maya Angelou said, "When you know better, you do better."

That gentle, simple phrase says so much about the human condition and our path to self-realization and personal growth.

I think and I believe this is why relationships we have in our youth don't usually endure.

cordieb said...

Torrence, you know that in the world, there are givers and takers. You are blessed to be a giver. The attitude that you see in the friends you described is that of very sad, desperate people. Don't stop giving, even to those who never give. Don't let these people steal your joy. You might be the only living example these people see of genuine love in their lives. That love just might rub off onto them. It certainly will not hurt. Don't give what you do not want to give, and don't loan what you can not afford to give; But most importantly, don't withold that which you really want to give, for it will be returned to you in abundance. Peace, Light and Love to you and yours. . . CordieB.

professor said...

DUDE...that's why I don't have friends and God saw fit to bless me with a SMALL family...
all jokes aside, I had to laugh cause you sound like me...I guess we just have to live to learn...
I treat each person the same until they hang themselves then they are cut off (but being the nosy person I am I leave a window open for them to redeem themselves...Im always interested to see if/how they do it)...I treat folks the way I want to be treated...I don't lend money, I give...if it comes back fine, if not it wasn't a large amount anyway...I give my time, when I have time...I will listen, and if you don't listen I give you less time the next time...
we all have friends who take way more than they give, but hey, sometimes they are just a balance to who we are...

Jaded said...

Sometimes, though, when we offer help or advice, we need to do it with no expectation of reciprocation. That way, we aren't hurt or disappointed when we get nothing in return. We have give of ourselves freely. You can take at least some solace in the fact that you did what a good person should do. Whether they do the same is on their souls in the end.

That doesn't mean, however, that you should answer their calls or offer help at all times. You're completely right about that. But sometimes giving is just that...giving without any expectation that you'll get something in return.

You give so much to even complete strangers here by way of inspiration, challenging thought etc. I appreciate that more than I can say.

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

Professor - yep, but it hard, in my case, when they are family. You know. But it was the way i was raised. and my family is small too, but it dont change u can still have one

Cordieb - i try to live and lead by example, but like i said, it would be cool if it was some woman or one of my boys, no real blood involved with that.

Christopher - true, but family is forever, that makes it a little harder

Kelso - humans are abstract, to abstract, i just treat all the same, but have a specail standing for family members, make me feel like i aint their family at all

Blah - u the first cave woman i met lol, so it is the same with your family too, or is that different

Foscused purpose - y thak u, i am honored

D - i mossed u, where have u been, any way u kept it short LOL. and its hard not to engage folk who have been in your life all your life, u know. and it is that unconditional freedom, justice and equality. u said it well. Being just whould say she would get him when he slept , if u asked me

Tamara - im about to do the same, so u have a fmily member like i described, dang sad aint it

Bernice - i wouldnt be on the planet but would love to see a CC tv of the inhabitants LOL

Dead Muel - will do tonight

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

jaded -u are right i do out my heart, but i dont take the calls because they only sk and take and never do and offer, they still have my love, just not my doing, maybe life or death, but hats about it

BuelahMan said...

You could have been talking 'bout my two brothers, 'cept they steal all my shit, too.

The True Urban Queen said...

I am independent. I rely on no one but myself to pay the bills and keep the house together. I don't ask nothing of no one. Yet, when friends and family ask, I try my best to help them out. Sadly, when I know I can't afford too (money) or am too tired (favors like babysitting). Sad thing is if I ask them for anything back, they can't (won't) give back. Once years ago I ask someone to watch my kids, they said they couldn't though, I watched theirs for a week. So, I never ask. Matter of fact, I have gotten me a life so that people can't call.
Now,that you have opened my eyes to how kind you are, and since you are such a good blog buddy can I get one hundred dollars?

Curious said...

I have a friend that I've known for 20 to 25 years now. He's called me his best friend and I've always wondered what that meant.

Whenever I could, I have always been there for him. And whenever I have needed him I would be lucky if I saw him within 6 months. But that's the way that it is. Like most people, he can only be the person that he is, and once I recognized that, I realized that it was unfair for me to ask him to be anything else.

I can't expect people to act the way that I believe I would act or the way that I believe they should act. Instead I have learned to focus on whatever it was that I found attractive in them, that made me call them friend; good conversation, knowledge, direction or whatever. And for me, that's payment enough.

Dure, I have been burned by friends and family, but never so badly that I couldn't write it off as a learning experience. I have learned to come to grips that my values will not necessarily be the same as everyone elses, and that their values wont necessarily diminish me or mine.

I give and I take. It's all part of that big payoff called life. And I think that in the end that is all any of us can do anyway.

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

BuelahMan - lol, and on another note, i guess we read the same shit too


True urban queen - that sounds like me too. I am independent. But some folks dont know what taking cre of themselves mean

Curious - feel ya, and i WRITE it off literally, and a the time I got a call from the impetus for this post. Be lucky to see him unless he wanted something, yep thats what im talking about

Lovebabz said...

I do not know how to respond here. I do know there is only love or fear. What we do for others is what we do for ourselves. I personally cannot make another a beggar in my presence. And sometimes the answer is no, but not because I am tired or unwilling, but because I do not have it to give. If you give you do so because you are able to. Suspend judgement and allow love to reign. Am I suggesting that you make your self someone's personal atm machine NO. However I don't think this post is about that. I think your post is about reciprocity and not so much you inability to give. If their presence in your life brings you joy and happiness and love than you do accordingly what needs to be done. If you tire of their ways and they are no longer friends/lovers/family then you have to set them free. Set them free to do the necessary work to become spiritually amd fiscally sustaining unto themselves.

There, but for the grace of God go I.

Mizrepresent said...

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being the man/giver that you are...but at some point we all have to wake up and smell the roses and eradicate such folks from our lives...in many ways we are "enablers" to these type, as long as we allow them to use us...they will. Take care friend, you will get yours back 10-fold.

KELSO'S NUTS said...

Well, T, like "professor" said I, too, was lucky to be blessed with a small family and a good one. Again, terrible betrayals in the bad old days but my immediate family: my folks, my son, my sister, I couldn't ask for better. And because we are such a small family, 2nd, 3rd, 4th cousins and all variety of aunts and uncles fill in nicely in two cities: Atlanta, GA and London, England. Really, to a person they are stand-up types. Very able, but always kind people. I have a 3rd cousin by marriage who was born to a Russian family in Harrisonburg, Virginia and while she looks Russian and has an ironic Russian way of interpreting things she has the STRONGEST small town Virginia accent I have ever heard. It is so thick if an actor used it the director would tell her to tone it down a little.

Abstractions, indeed.

mp1 v.8.0 said...

The "takers and the tooken" as Walter Lee says. I'm not tryin to be either one...at least not that often. Keep ya head up pimpin. The golden rule truly is golden. It comes around eventually.

Friends are there to be used and to use. But it's gotta be more than that.

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

MP! - im not the using type, unless its my mind u know, reminds me of the slave master mentality, but i feel ya

Kelso - the stire, i love it


Miz - u know how i do. Thanks hon

Babz - i have a short story called Reciprocity in ROCKSTAR STUD GIGOLO - yep im the cover model lol

The Bear Maiden said...

This is what I learned. And just managed to put into words this past year.

When you give... love, money, friendship, you should give without the expectation of giving back. If you think that it will cost you to give love, money or friendship... don't give it. Don't loan people money if you know you need it back on Tuesday. Don't love if you NEED someone to give it back to you. Don't be a friend if you need friendship back.

That's not to say you shouldn't give at all. You should. It's just that you should so so freely.

And by the same token, while you shouldn't expect anything back, it is the responsibility of the receiver to pay back. Or to pay it forward. To do otherwise is unforgivable.

And if you have given freely to someone, and you see that they consistently never pay back or pay forward, by all means... cut them the hell off.

Cuz there ARE "takers"... people who take kindness for a weakness, abuse love and gifts and miss the whole point. And they don't deserve anything.

The Bear Maiden said...

P.S. Even if they ARE family.

Lovebabz said...

I do know we are all givers and takers. We shift as we need to shift as the need arises. There is no great equalizer in the way that we give or take. For some taking is what they do and on surface that is all we see. But I believe there is more than the obvious. Am I my brothers' keeper...yes, indeed.

Value and worth can't be measured in money/gold/products. We are all valuable and worthy even the most wretched of us. It is not judgment that matters, for I too am judged. All I know is the love I take, is the Love I make. What I put into the universe comes back to me.

Ahh... I ordered your book of poetry and Butter Brown. I'll get to Rockstar, Stud, Gigolo...I promise!

Marleaux said...

I had a friend who fit right into this post. Her and her two babies lived with me a few years back. She barely paid rent, which was pennies considering that I lived in a two bedroom and she had her own bedroom, plus full access to any other room in the place. She used drugs in my home, which she was told was prohibited. It’s funny, that rule was supposed to benefit her kids, but she thought otherwise, because she would get high in her bedroom while they watched. Once she gave her kids away, I put her out. She was just released from prison and we reached out to her, but she doesn’t want anything to do with my best friend and me. I guess she think she’s too good for us now that she has a few strikes, lmao. I guess we’re better off though.

The Artist In Me said...

I have heard from several elders, as you have...your word is all that you have. If that does not hold true, then there is not much else to trust that comes out of your mouth.

However, I have also learned that it is so much better to do unto others as you want done unto yourself, regardless of how they choose to conduct themselves. See...we are only responsible for self and no one else.

Now that is not to say that we are to be fools and let them walk all over us. It is to say that we are charged to find that right balance.

Be blessed and thanks for stopping by!

PrettyBlack said...

Wow I used to have those kinds of people in my life but I have not to kindly gotten rid of them. When I was about 8 months pregnant I decided the people I wanted around my daughter were the ones I would keep in my life...All others got the phone call, some thought it was a game but soon realized I was serious. Some got mad...and muthafucka? My mad is way worst than your mad so get over it.

One friend I had since ninth grde still can't let go everytime she see's someone I know she tries to get my number...they know how that goes...so they can't be baited.

I feel like if I'm busting my ass at 35 sometimes taking my baby to class with me to finish my degree why should I give to somebody who isn't trying? Fuck that shit. Get yours...like TuPac said:

Make sure your eyes is on the meal ticket
Get your money motherfucker let's get rich and we'll kick it
All eyes on me!

Samii Styles said...

This is why I have no true bff's to this day. I have yet to find one that gives as much as she takes.

miss. e said...

I can't tell you how many times I've been surprised by the actions of my "friends" in the past after helping them tremendously, only to find out they wouldn't do the same for me. There has been one friend that has consistently proved herself as being a true friend, as I did her, and I have learned that she's the only one I need around for real. However, I've embraced the unfortunate situations I've encountered because it made me appreciate the great people in my life. Good post prof.

Brittany_83 said...

I always do for people and never really expect anything in return just because I know how some people are. At least I'm doing my part.

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

the bear maiden - i do, and dont mind, without expectations, but i do know the difference between thoese who will be there when i need them and thoes who dont. You are so write, they dont deserve, but we with home traing are taught to give, i guess im like my granny

Babz - thanks, im on th cover of RSG the others, well ex aquaintances. Guess all know is love, cause i sure would have let Incogman know it then. and thanks hon for the suport, ill rpay u some how. enjoy

Marleaux - i see your heart in your words, guess there are two type of folks, human beings and thoes that be human

Artis in me - hanks for th drive by, and i agree 100 percent with u, thats all, i do s i want done to me, but i see when it is not returned, so i dont take the calls LOL...do come back maam

Prettyblack - u wild, that lst stanza was funny

samii - this y i aint got no woman to this day, outside of them being intimadeted and jealousy. I give and if i dont feel they will be ther for me, they cut and i get a new starting line up

miss e - i guess i embrace the one



Brittany_83 - u are a great persn and a humbled spiri s well