Wednesday, April 08, 2009

4 peanut butter

As many of you may know, family is essential and likely the most important part of my existence on this planet as a human being. As such, I have been blessed through action, word and deed to have amassed a corpus of advice, stimulation and knowledge from my relatives, in particular my elders, especially my grand parents.

As a single parent it is essential I feel to have a bond with others. As a man, I think this bond is maximized in a single dedicated relationship with a woman. Now true, I aint had one in a while and my disposition may evince otherwise but it remains true.

It in my mind is the greatest tandem, the most valuable partnership, especially if we walk side by side and act as if it is us against the world. For such a mutual disposition announces trust, honest and dependability first and foremost above all and promotes the family, collectively – hers and mine.

Now I know the man I am is not an individual accomplishment, but rather the accomplishment of not only the men in my family, but also my aunts, mother and grand mothers and even in the case on my first and only wife – her and her mother a sisters. It just seems today that finding women as such, women who would rather give than take, women who place the family over self, women who care more about the home than those that succumb to external, and often contradictory outside influences are a dying breed. Women that assisted to make me had no concern about what others thought, they did not think of themselves as an individual and such needs and desires as being more important than they mean – no they were not selfish. The thought of events as we as opposed to I and me or my.

I think that this is dead, for it is more important for some to think of their goals in isolation, albeit they may be dependent on a man, than the equity espoused as a union. It is as if what one would desire individually, does not even proffer thought in concert with another. I say this to give my folks, the women in my family props, for my grand mother said and told me a lot of things. One I have said before is “that if you a ditch digger, be the best ditch digger and they will always call Torrance to dig that ditch.” But another was about relationships and she would just say “for peanut butter.” Her logic was that if we had to eat peanut butter, I will be with my man for love is like that. Anything else will only destroy a relationship if it is not based on love. So I want a woman who can get down with “for peanut butter.” And given such, I have just two choices. 1] Wait and not be involved with women at all (which aint my nature) or 2] bone and disown until I find the one I want to keep for ever.


Anonymous said...

U just need to drive a little further south to say Macon or Tipton and grab you one of them country gals who can't wait to be Mandingoed on the regular. She'll love your dirty draws, unlike some of them high falootin' heffers in Fulton and Dekalb County. They can't make cornbread let alone love a man through hard times. They say they want love, but most are out for the come up.

Bone and Disown, Squish and Dismiss.

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

Which choice are you going to make.....1 or 2??

Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

i like that line - squish and dismiss. but women dont like taking fat long d+++ they complain and say you to big - i get it all the time - country gals come on down.....query....why u say im a mandingo?

Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts

what would u suggest maam

Anonymous said...

These types of women are far from extinct. They are just not recognized as easily because men too are selfish. Some selfishness is necessary to find the type of relationship you want in the first place.

Don't just wait, actively seek, because SHE is waiting for YOU. And, since you have such specific desires for your new relationship wouldn't it be fair and traditional and honorable for you to at least help her out by doing most of the foot work?

Also, you can start by not simply disowning the ones you be boning. Cause truth be told, that one you boning probably suffers from the same quandary as you and just needed some big thickum dickum to hold her over for a few more months, years, whateva. But, ya'll wasn't talking about the issues you was fuckin.

olu albert said...


I know you are well need to explore your options., we should not be myopic as to who we choose for partners. There are a lot of good women around us and outside of our world..we just need to explore outside of our comfort zone. Trust me, I know.

Anonymous said...

Women today, especially younger women, are lead poorly by women that are just as immature and selfish as they are, instead of letting themselves be positively influenced by the mature elder females in their families.

Sista GP said...

@Anonymous: I was raised in Macon (since 1 year old), lived in metro ATL 11 years, and now back in Macon area again. Reading your comments made me speechless. That doesn't happen often, Congrats!

Why not an option #3? Spend time with a woman getting to know each other BEFORE any boning comes into the relationship. The one you seek may not be the 'bone and disown' type and avoid you.

Free said...

Too many people today don't think deep enough about the commitment involved in relationships. There is nothing wrong with being (or wanting) a "good, old-fashioned" woman. There's nothing wrong with being a good, old-fashioned man. It's just that not many folks today think about the beauty of that. (They better go back and watch "Good Times" to get lessons from James and Florida!)

Just have to know what you want and make sure you're getting what's real.

I hope that made sense!

Lovebabz said...


there are thinking, loving, giving good & kind men among us. there are men who consider others first & more, who are secure,
generous, well adjusted, liberated, competitive,
talented & confident, big eaters & men who fast.
in our communities are children caring, women caring & loving, partying, intuitive, hard working & joyous
men occupying the frozen memory of all. within these grounds
are men who cook, clean, build & marry.
resourceful, peaceful, peace loving & peace giving men toil the earth together.
on their knees are spiritual, meditative, deep thinking &
praying brothers.
gathered musically here are healthy, sportsminded,
sexually sensitive, strong,
profoundly loving & cultural men
who understand & practice reciprocity.
they know the hurt, hearts, & mission of women,
they feel the bones, secrets & hearts of men,
they anticipate, defend & nurture the innocence in
in their psychology are defiant warriors existing between turbulence & honor.
seldom highlighted are the bold men who articulate & carry the fears of others.
among men are dreamers, doers & doubters who will not betray a trust.
they are fathers & parents who love so deeply that they are often misunderstood.
in their quietness is patience, calmness & forebearance that
some read as weakness,
impotence & vulnerability.
in all of this they naturally smile & occassionally
these beauty-seekers safeguard civilizations & we need to be
reminded of their open-hearted presence in
abundance among us.
often & more they run against the accepted &
encourage definitions of ignorant hard hats, drunken soldiers,
arrogant professors & immature politicians
who swim in egocentric heat &
the rhetoric of fools.
...Haki R. Madhubuti

I see you in all your beauty. Your spirit is not lost on me. I know who YOU are. I love you for all that you are....scholar...beast...prince among men.

Lovely post.

Anndi said...

First visit by way of Clay...

If no one gets hurt and there is an actual understanding of what's at stake, or in this case NOT, then bone and disown... but do we want such men for our daughters... I don't.

Just a formerly single mama's point of view.

I do hope you find her... we are out there.

Erin Michell said...

Interesting post as always. I feel the "for peanut butter". Too many people lose sight of what a meaningful relationship really entails. It's not about what material things can be offered. It's about sacrifice, compromise, support, communication, putting God first, selflessness, etc. . . I can go on and on. And these things need to be unconditional, not just when it's convenient!!!! And I'm sure God has a plan already in place for when you will meet Ms. Right (and not part of the time right, all the time).

[Emeritus] said...

There is the woman who gives all to her family and then there is the woman who loses her individuality to her family. I will never be the type of wife that stays at home and makes cookies, is there to greet the kids when they come home from school or who quits her job just because she had a kid. Actresses don't do it and I don't think any woman who makes a choice to continue doing what makes her happy in spite of her family and marriage obligations is selfish or lacks virtue. I know what I'm saying may not be what you meant but I still think there are woman who are great but may not be willing to sacrifice all of their self in favor of family.

nicki nicki tembo said...

Albeit I'm no fan of peanut butter I'm with grandma all the way. I was the breadwinner for six of the fourteen plus years of my marriage while my ex battled a medical condition and stayed home with the babies. During which time we added a couple more birth control babies to the fam. Mental illness did what nothing else could - ripped us apart.

Devotion is part of ones mantle or it isn't. I wish you well on the outcome of your choices.

Sheliza said...

Wow, I'm thinking when woman say there are no good men left in the world...perhaps they should stop by your little piece of the country ;-) I hope you find that special lady or she finds you.

Rich Fitzgerald said...

My brother, my brother...having been out of the game nearing fourteen years I can't say I feel your pain, but at the same time I'm not blind and I do listen. The game has changed partner. Most of the young ladies (34 and below) just aren't coming up like we were. I point them out because Atlanta is full of that age group of women and I'm sure you come across quite a number of them in your comings and goings. You will likely have to find a sister who has matured some but not necessarily lost a beat.

Good luck black man.

Pamela said...

Sometimes you feel like a nut...

ms. bliss honeycomb said...

i'll tell you like i tell errybody else: if you're here, so is she.

good luck. ;-)

Soulstress said...

I'm gon co-sign sista GP's #3 option! :)

Anonymous said...

i agree with Sista GP as well.

you need to date.

that is the essential problem with the two choices you've made for yourself. one involves you waiting for the right one to come along wih no work on your part. apparently you'll know when you see her. two involves just sleeping with all of them until you decide there's one you don't mind sleeping with for the rest of your life.

neither mentions getting out there to meet women. I'm sure you have all sorts of excuses like the fact that you run your own business and you teach and cook and clean and you are taking care of two kids and blah blah blah. all that is true. but you are not going to get what you want if the only way of getting what u want is the two plans you've outlined.

good luck

4GOTTEN1 said...

A lot of women don't fit your description because society doesn't see women in that light anymore. They have to be every woman and bring home the bacon and cook it too. Family no longer is enough. But a lot of them don't have husbands: the men of yester year are now gone as well. I don't think you can have that woman of yesterday with out that man as well.
Women like that still exist though just harder to find.

Anonymous said...

Bone & disown, huh? Hmmm...wonder if I can come up with something catchy like that. How about fuck & destruct? Or maybe plunge & expunge? I'on know. Let me think on it a few.

ROTFL @ "but women dont like taking fat long d+++ they complain and say you to big - i get it all the time..."

msladydeborah said...

(FYI) I have been reading your posts without commenting. But this one warrants my two cents.

I do not know when we became a group of people who are unable to connect in meaningful relationships, but it is definitely a national disaster among us.

From where I sit in the midwest, it is difficult for me to understand how intelligent black women/men are unable to find a partner in life. It seems that this problem is spanning generations of people. Maybe we need to have a summit on The State of Black Relationships. Because it seems we would benefit from getting some understanding about the problems.

IMHO, you can't find the right person by looking for them. It just does not seem to work that way. I sincerely believe that in due time and due season, God sends that person to you. They usually don't fit any preconceived notion that has been drawn up about who they are, what they should look like or how they will be.

It is what's on the inside that makes the down with you connection.
I really believe that partners in life are sent to us. Whatever we need in terms of the other half is in them when they arrive. That individual gives from that center naturally.

You don't extend yourself enough options. There could be a third one.

The third one could begin with developing a friendship first. This tells a whole lot about what a person will do for you. If they are not down as a friend, they probably won't be down as your woman.

Sexual relationships don't tell a whole lot. There are some folks who are great in the skin to skin moment and phucked up once that is over.

I am not sure why you're having such a difficult time in this area.
You definitely have the right stuff working for you. ;-0

I hope that you are blessed to find someone to share your life and family with. I cannot think of a more deserving individual.

Chanel said...

As a feminist, I am sometimes disappointed in my fellow feminists. I think it is extremely important for women to have the same rights and oppurtunities as men, and to be able to make the choice of when and if they want to have a family. But the thing that disappoints me is that a lot of feminists have this whole idea that being a mother and dedicating yourself to a family is a burden and devalues the accomplishments of feminists so far. I disagree. I think the modern women is capable of both and I have a serious problem with women who act like motherhood and family are beneath them and only bringing them down.

Miriam said...

I'll have to go w/GP's option 3. seek her out. Yearn for a wife. You'll get her.

James Tubman said...

women have to be trained man

thats all it is to it

they have been corrupted so much by advertising propaganda and this wicked evil system that they dont even know what they want anymore from anybody

what helps for me is that i see them as children

i see them as people who are not in control of their behavior

and who have absolutely no knowledge of who they are and what they should be striving for

women need men for leadership and direction

it is our job to change them into what we believe they should be

we cant expect for them to change on their own because it will never happen

~EssenseVibez~ said...

Hey my brotha---just happen to read my old comments and came across your name---stop by and see me sometimes--i'm feelin' your vibez in here---keep it strong---live life and remain blessed!

RunningMom said...

I agree with buttahfly, many men aren't willing to give enough to get that kind of love from a woman.

I got 3 or 4 men who want to sleep with me but don't want to know my mind, soul or heart. They don't want to take the time to know ME. And really - they don't want to know my body either, they just want to use it. Selfish.

Thing is.. I don't want the sex without the relationship. So they aren't getting it.

Lauren said...

Maybe...just could be you. You might be the problem. Your attitude might be jacked up. The way you go about attaining a woman might be jacked up; stop settling for women half your age (yes, it might be fun, but get real).

Instead of "boning," perhaps you should search for quality women...women who fit the mold that you're looking for. Stop holding your penis so high, and hold yourself high.

rawdawgbuffalo said...

so true and thank u maam

olu albert
yes that what i know from living abroad - i do think it is mainly amerca

yea folk and so sad too

Sista GP
i can dig it - #3

yes it did - wonder if a woman can get down like james and florida now - doubt it

nice - u write it? from your local savage beast monsta

thank u never thought of it that way - do return pls

Erin Michell
i have faith maam

[Emeritus] s
i think that is selfish, just as a man who would not be willing to do the same

nicki nicki tembo
devotion - i feel ya and earth wind and fire

Sheliza s
they say im not a good man maam

Rich Fitzgerald
true that

ditto from Rich

ms. bliss honeycomb
thank u maam

good look

i can tell that you do not have children who depend on you. Its differnet. I cant ask family members (mom or dad) for money or anything. just a difference in exixtence hon

i agree completely

just the facts and me laughing w u

wow - no comment

that is scarey - family beneath them or holding them back - and thanks that gave me an idea for another post

she is a wise one that family member of mone

James Tubman
i see what u saing - but i train dogs not people - we train ourselvbes

thank u maam - do come back ok

i understand completely - them and u. thanks for the advice

It is possible and thank u?

Red Snapper said...

Do you sir. However, if you continue to do what you've been doing you will continue to get what you've been gettin. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Sip some Melagro and marinate on it.

Linda said...

They're not a dying breed.. trust me, they still exist. They're just not the ones that will take the possibility of being 'boned and disowned'.. So I'm thinking you just won't find any if you continue in that direction ;)

other than that.. (and by this I mean absolutely nothing other than the literal meaning) you should get yourself some Dutch peanut butter. If you tried that, the american stuff will seem like.. well.. what it is, really.. junk. *lol*

Greetings from the netherlands!

Carla said...

Torrance, you should try seeing the glass as half full sometimes...or you may end up thinking like James Tubman.

Also, I doubt your dick is "too big." If women are complaining, I wonder do you know how to use it. Though you are probably a nice enough person, I get the sense you are a bit self-centered. That probably transfers into the bedroom as well. Just my thoughts...

The Artist In Me said...

Great post Mr. Stephens; and of course women that you speak of still exist. They may be like finding a needle in a haystack, but they still exist.

On another note...are you taking your own photography shots? If so...kudos to you! They look great!

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