Thursday, March 13, 2008

excerpt- her kiss was never mine

COPY EDITOR (PAID WELL) HAS PROOFED VERSION, THEY DONT GIVEM BACK TO ME AFTER THEY GO THROUGH THEM THEY SAY I ADD SHIT - RECANT-IM WRITER NOT SPELLER (LAST OF THE TWO FINGER TYPERS) LOL

1] Only novel written with narrator, except for first one i wrote in college called MY SPIT. I write like i am talking to the reader, first person only mostly.

2] I just had some minor oral surgery this monday setting up for major oral surgery on the 27th, so forgive me for not hitting up blogs like i used too, but stitches in the mouth and gums and loose teeth dos that, and i wont tell you what happened, dont want yawl to get the wrong impression.

3] I wont be in academia full time, I still teach stat 1 an stat 2 at Clark Atlante Univ. Albeit they trying to ge me there full time and as to why, check this

3

This was Foia’s third trip to see him in two months. Allistar had given Foia $400.00 to go out to see and learn the city. He had also informed her of a shoe outlet that he had seen and hat maybe she could spend the money there. It was hard to get her out of the house without him. He didn’t mind really, since he was a homebody himself. But he wanted her t still be independent and thought it was important for her to know that he still and would always love her as the free spirit she was. He also didn’t want her to think that she had to be under him all the time, although he would never refute such an action. He simply adored her, her eyes, her voice, and her walk. Her hair her laugh and the clumsy way she held him at night while at the same time trying to have the entire bed to herself. It was funny to him, for she had expressed that he was the best pillow ever.

She was in the back playing with his son; they seemed to hit it off very good. He didn’t know about her trying to play catch with him, or chasing him around the house, with her self professed goofiness, but he liked the smiles that they seem to evoke when interacting with one another. Allistar wanted her to be herself; no relationship could or would work without that understanding.

“Yawl stop playing now, Foia, you need to stop before you bump your head. As she came from the laundry room and through the bathroom, she hit a flight of stairs on her chase with my son, and hit her head above the doorway, slamming immediately to the ground. Before he could get there she jumped up said, “I knew I was gone fall or some shit,” and laughed. He laughed too, maybe it were here teddy bare house shoes of pajama’s with pink pigs on them.

“Woman gets ready, ok?”
Ok.” She turned back around and wrapped her arms around his neck and proceeded to place her nose in a humble manner in the crease of his neck. He inturn took a deep inhalation of her hair and held her back. He smacked her on the ass as if to say get moving.

When she was ready, he had started the grill by now. Her hair was brown simple but dazzling. Her completion was smooth and her shades, large and orbital like and provided the thought I ones mind that they made her face more alluring. She was wearing a purple dress. Her back was displayed and the pattern was one of multiple concentric circles with a dash of white. The outfit looked delicious to Allistar and conservative at he same time. She had made certain than he knew it was a Nelson Pilay dress and that he was one of her favorites. It was sophisticated garment non-the less, made of a light fabric he could not discern and exaggerated her hips and ass as if they were semi-precious stoned. She again said thanks and kissed him on his lips.

So you know where you going? Back to the main road, swing a left and left and drive till you get to exit 27. You been there before ok?”

Ok, I’m gone miss you.”
“Me too, be safe.”

By the time the grill was finished and he had taken his son to a friends to spend the night, he walked out side after his shower, which followed a second steak prepared cowboy style , and walked outside. He was considered a loner by most, a flirt and highly sexual person. But he was also a dedicated family man and eclectic who loved life for living sake. He would walk and often think to himself that he could hear the stars. He cherished his land as if it was his child and family. Panoplied in the sartorial grace of a stolen hotel tile and an sixteen ounce Bush beer in his had, he walked. His dog, half wolf and half Rottweiler, joined him as he did each and every night he walked his property or came outside. Haussa was his name.

He returned to the house , and laid on his bed. The room and sheets stilled were embellished with her bouquet. By the time he had positioned his pillows into the maximum comfort position, there was a knock at his door. He lived in the country an did not have a door bell. He stepped over her bags and opened it.

She came to the door with a long coat and heels and a smile that made one visualize maple and sugar. She dropped straight down to the floor and said, “I am about to wake up what’s mine

She seemed to be greedy, attempting to take all of him into her throat and never wanting me to stop.

Next she walked him slowly into his bedroom and sat him down upon the edge of the bed. She slowly took her coat off and showed that burning yet passionate smile again and sat right in his lap. Her nipples vibrant and hard were all up in his face. She started to ride him, first slow then speeding up her pace, grinding harder and allowing him to go deeper than any man had entered her before

He couldn't’t let her have her way entirely. He wanted to be in control a little and give her some dick. He flipped her over like some one off of WWWF on to her back exposing the wildness of her legs in the air. Her level of flexibility made him even harder and he started to beat and long and slow stroke her. By the time he saw her eyes fading back and forth from the recesses of her head, she begged for him to stop. But she did not want that, like I said, she was in a greedy state of mind and would pull him by his butt when he even attempted to long and slow stroke her.

In side she knew that he had matched every criteria she had written in her journal for a man. He was smart, successful, loved kids, funny and easy to talk too. And he had meat; her aunt’s told her growing up that when u select a man he had to have meat. Allistar had meat. Fat and long and thick country sausage meat. She wanted it but couldn't take it. He could see this and went back to trying to maximally penetrate and bury himself in her and slowly pull it out. all the way, and then slowly sliding it up the roof of her wetness entering under her clit, and back at the base of her spine, where he wedged himself in like a lamprey.

He picked her up; her legs still wrapped around his waste and took her into the shower. He turned the water on and started to wash her. First with his hands and next directly with the bar of carrot soap he had picked up in South Africa. He began to kiss her on his neck and the soap soften skin of her structure led him to turn her around placing her against the wall and started to take her breast in her mouth, using his hands such to get both nipples in at the same time. Eventfully his tongue bathed its way to the top of her pubic hair and on below. It was cut in the form of a straight line down the middle.

Then he carried her still damp in his arms, back to the bed and entered her again. The next morning he woke up first, she way still asleep. She was his cover and just looking at her in slumber made him smile. He went outside, nude as usual and looked at his flowers. He gently picked a red rose from one bush and returned to the house
He approached the bed and easily slide the flower in her hair. She woke up briefly, gazing into his eyes as if she was looking in his heart. Her heart, for he owned it and she had given it to him.

For Foia, Allistar was a dream, a man, a real man and it was difficult that this dream was true. After all, she had listened to her girls and other women say repeatedly how difficult it was to find a good man. But she had, albeit under the auspicious circumstances of being out of a trip with a married man. She felt that it was meant to be and that nothing would ever separate her from her prince charming.

Hey you”, she said in a morning whisper. He kissed her on her forehead and moved the hair from in front of her eyes.

“Good morning pound cake.”

“What you doing, hanks for my flower.”

“You welcome, nothing, lounging, waiting for you to wake up so I can smell you in my embrace again.”

“I don’t want to go.” She said, returning all of her face t the pillow. I don’t want to leave you. I want t stay with you, in my bed with you.”

“Our bed, and don’t want you t leave me either. I get a hollowing pain each time I take you to the airport.”

Allistar looked deeply into her eyes again. He pained at the sadness they displayed and clasped his hand over hers and said, “Don’t worry, I’m gonna make you my wife, my woman for life, so keep that and me in your heart please?”

“But I’m gone miss you, and my kisses and my meat.” She laughed and so did he. She continued slowly and like a diva stated, “you better not be down her fucking nobody else why I am gone.”

They both laughed again. She slid her hand on his thigh and laid her head back on the pillow as if she was looking at his thigh. She moved her hand to his member, which was resting down his thigh and started to get the response she desired immediately With it to its maximum length and stiffness, she commented, “now that’s what I’m talking about and you better not.”

Her flight was six hours away, ad that meant four since he had to get her to the airport early for her take off her shoes and made sure she was no terrorist. She dressed slowly, only attending to the mirror in the bathroom and the occasional turn to check on his where abouts. If she could no see him she would call out his name loudly in the 4000 square foot house. “Allistarrrrrrr.”

“I’m her in the kitchen, what ya need hon?”
“Nothing, you were making me miss you. I don’t want to leave.
Walking back to the bathroom, Allistar placed his had against the door frame and just looked a her. “I don’t want you to leave, wish you would relocate, and you know I have to work tomorrow.”
“But that don’t change my feelings.”
“Well look at it this way, you going back home and you are going to Toronto with your girls.”

She held calm for a minute. She forgot that she had told him about the trip. She had put on a pink beaded and lace top. It was sequenced a little and embroidered with flowers. Levi’s would complement he remainder of her outfit. He had bought them for her on her first trip to see him, when it was her goal to get him some jeans – which she did.

As they drove to the airport, she clasped her palm over his fist. It was on the stick shift, a bad habit of his from driving a standard shift vehicle for most of his life, with the exception of that burgundy and white 74 Cutlass Supreme he bent while in college. He was still a truck man, albeit he could afford a BMW 700 class or Range Rover. His Ford pick-up truck suited him just fine.

Now, I know I indicated that this story is about Alistar, but given the situation, I would like to interject something on my personal behalf. Allistar and I kicked it, I mean really kicked it. That one-town, bluff city Ten-a-Ki thang. And I must add that we were both quite the ladies men. I was more refined and his bunch were for lack of a better word were incorrigible and recalcitrant at best. But we did kick it. Maybe it was the party circuit or one of his impromptu pol parties with around twenty guest, fifteen of which would be women.

At these Lagnaf’s , as he called them, only the top self of folks would be there, there was his best friend, at least on of the Rory Stain, III, often referred to as Cadillac, who was heir to one of the largest African American owned Banks. In appearance, one could suppurate how he gathered his name given he was as large as the said vehicle. There was also Railhead. Ballplayer and scholar in the old school Memphis make and model. He was a reformed distributor of pharmaceuticals. Had sent both his sisters to college while he himself went to the Navel Academy on an academic scholarship. Then there was his next door neighbor, Blue, who was really road dog number one and just as wild, if not wilder when it came to women as Allistar was. Cat Daddy was still a distributor of pharmaceuticals and had parleyed such into a string of car washes. Allistar himself was no deacon, giving his past dealings with weapons.

Last would be someone such as myself, whose father was a Plastic Surgeon and the firs to attend and graduate from the University of Notre Dames Medical School. I actually looked up to him. Although I would be attending prep schools around the Eastern Seaboard, and just as smart, he would be in both worlds at the same time; the gutters from Glenview park to Castalia heights to Nigeria and Zimbabwe.

Maybe that is what is so surprising, a man who wet through a woman one every two to three weeks, and him biting had for this one. But as I will repeat, this is only speculation on my half based on conversations, emails and other forms of correspondence.

He loved the way she gripped his fist. He loved her touch period. Foia found what she could only perceive as a dream. She often thought to herself that he was too good to be true. She found him exceptionally handsome and cocky and assertive yet kind at the same time.

But in her heart I suspect, she was still uncertain, not of him, but of herself. Was she ready to make a commitment for life to him, to have his children, to travel the globe with him? She knew that she was planning no trip to Toronto with her girls. But rather had aggreeed to meeting the man of letters, NAME in Los Angeles. He would always be first in her heart. It was his fame morso than the individual that did it to her. To her, she believed there was nothing more stimulating, than having sex with a man with fame and power. Or what she perceived to define fame and power in her eyes. If she loved Allistar, inside she knew that such could not happen. Not to mention NAME was a married man with two children.

This was her first lie and it pained her.

40 comments:

Marleaux said...

Hope you feel better, or have strong meds. I had surgery in sept and will have another next month. I hate it, but I can't wait to have 2 weeks away from work.

I'm printing this chapter to read tomorrow during lunch. I'll leave me comments regarding then.

BuelahMan said...

Nice work, but I agree wholeheartedly about the spelling thingy...

Bush beer

Really?

W doesn't deserve such credit.

bernice said...

Whoa! Excellent! Can't wait to read the final version!

Hope you feel better...

Tera said...

I actually love to refer to myself in the 3rd person... a lot.

VE said...

I AM a third person. I got tired of the other two...

Nice work by-the-way.

LadyShay said...

I want to read the whole story.

I have a toothache that I'm bitching about, but now I feel like a baby compared to your oral complications. I wish you lots of strong medicine and something to take your mind off of it.

d'lee trecia said...

Aww, I hope you feel better soon.. 4 wisdom tooth out in one day... thank goodness i'm still alive lol...

LMAO at the spelling... I understand what your saying... but I ain't no writer so.. my spelling means tons to me... or whatever....

I have to get some chicken, beef, fish, fruits, veggies, right when I settle to read the whole story.

VertigoVirgo said...

Hey Big Brother! Long time no see, I know...I've been scaling back and laying low for a bit. So, my book club has decided that we are going to do a book where our men folk can join in the conversation (you men are such babies...you see us women doing something exclusive and you just have to get in!!!) :) ...soooo this time around I am suggesting Rockstar, Stud Gigilo...or should I now suggest this new book you just laid out here...(?)... hmmmm :)

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

marleaux - what did u think the two boks of mine you read, and did or could u leave me a review on amazon (never buy from here folks pls) and bbotw.com one day pls?
buelahman - it is corrected and leave it to u to say that and thanks, its jus chapter 3 of 18 and my books have footnotes so LAGNAF (lets all get naked and fuck) did not come on blog w copy and past

Bernice - thank you and can u do reviews on books s well on aforementioned spots

Tera - i can see u in a press confernce now with Mike Vick LOL

VE - thanks man, no 70 songs today LOL

Ladysahay - its ok,its just chapter 3. remember i was hit by a car a lon time ago and broke my maxillia , screws and wire and major surgeries and stuf u ca read it here when I was tagged.

d'lee trecia - thank u hon

VertigoVirgo - RSG is god for the men, but u ladies may like Butterbrown better, but I suggest the nn fiction men like non fiction more as well as guns LOL u can order DIRT.....from MIXREPRESENT via emil, the are being distributed as we speak

Emmanuelle said...

I can't wait to read the rest but woahhhh spelling Torrance lol but it's all right it's the two finger thing :)

I can't wait for more or i'll even buy it, who knows...Makes me want to pick up on the one i had started but i'm not so sure

Christina said...

I SO want to read the rest. Uhem... as your little sis you should have already sent me a copy:) Amazon ? No?

Feel better sweetie and the excerpt is really very good, I should have known though. Wink

the prisoner's wife said...

you need to fire your copy editor (ehem & hire the kid *ME!*).

more comments to follow. i like to read multiple times...but before i post my comments. how in depth do you want 'em? can you still revise? all hell...i'll give 'em anyway.

TheophaniaPaige said...

Very nice, can't wait to read the rest...

the prisoner's wife said...

ok...Super long Comment to follow. Hope you don't mind.

1. This was Foia’s third trip to see him in two months. Allistar had given Foia $400.00 to go out to see and learn the city. He had also informed her of a shoe outlet that he had seen and hat maybe she could spend the money there. It was hard to get her out of the house without him. He didn’t mind really, since he was a homebody himself. But he wanted her to still be independent and thought it was important for her to know that he still and would always love her as the free spirit she was.

***The free spirit part doesn’t mesh with the fact that she won’t leave the house without her man. If she was SUCH a free spirit, she wouldn’t have a problem leaving the house & exploring the city on her own. You might want to rethink that last “free spirit” comment.***

2. “Yawl stop playing now, Foia, you need to stop before you bump your head. As she came from the laundry room and through the bathroom, she hit a flight of stairs on her chase with my son, and hit her head above the doorway, slamming immediately to the ground. Before he could get there she jumped up said, “I knew I was gone fall or some shit,” and laughed. He laughed too, maybe it were here teddy bare house shoes of pajama’s with pink pigs on them.

***I don’t understand why he wouldn’t want her to play with his son, or why he even has any reservations about this. This seems very odd & may confuse your readers. Also the whole description of him telling her to watch out before she bumps her head is another oddity, unless he is psychic, cuz immediately after he mentions it…BOOM, she hits her head. Strange.***

3. By the time the grill was finished and he had taken his son to a friends to spend the night, he walked out side after his shower, which followed a second steak prepared cowboy style , and walked outside.

***I think you need a more exciting and/or visually descriptive transition. This just seems really flat & like you’re rushing us to get on to the next point.***

4. Then he carried her still damp in his arms, back to the bed and entered her again. The next morning he woke up first, she way still asleep. She was his cover and just looking at her in slumber made him smile. He went outside, nude as usual and looked at his flowers. He gently picked a red rose from one bush and returned to the house
He approached the bed and easily slide the flower in her hair. She woke up briefly, gazing into his eyes as if she was looking in his heart. Her heart, for he owned it and she had given it to him.

***I can appreciate a good sex scene, but this one fell short. It seemed so rushed. We don’t hear any hushed tones, no seductive words shared between lovers, nothing. I would like to see/hear/experience more of their relationship. I am still not sure why they are in love. Perhaps this is because this is Chap. 3 & I haven’t read the other 2, but I don’t see why they are together. They aren’t talking to each other. Some more dialogue would be nice. A clue to SHOW us they are in love & not just have the narrator tell us.***

5. “Good morning pound cake.”

“What you doing, hanks for my flower.”

“You welcome, nothing, lounging, waiting for you to wake up so I can smell you in my embrace again.”

***Who talks like this??? LOL***

6. Now, I know I indicated that this story is about Alistar, but given the situation, I would like to interject something on my personal behalf. Allistar and I kicked it, I mean really kicked it. That one-town, bluff city Ten-a-Ki thang. And I must add that we were both quite the ladies men. I was more refined and his bunch were for lack of a better word were incorrigible and recalcitrant at best. But we did kick it. Maybe it was the party circuit or one of his impromptu pol parties with around twenty guest, fifteen of which would be women.

***WTH? Who is this voice telling the story? Typically the omnicient narrator isn’t a person or factor in the story. This froeign voice threw me completely off. ***

7. Maybe that is what is so surprising, a man who wet through a woman one every two to three weeks, and him biting had for this one. But as I will repeat, this is only speculation on my half based on conversations, emails and other forms of correspondence.

***What is with the hiatus in the story? I don’t see how this interlude helps the story at all. It has done little but to confuse the hell out of me, yo. ***

8. Interesting excerpt. Honestly, I can’t say that this except would make me read the book had you not written it. There is definitely a hook, and that is the issue of Allister’s past player ways & Fioa’s lie and relationship with a married man. There is a story here worth exploring, but I think I would have gotten turned off by the interruption of the unnamed narrator, a lack of being able to have a clear sense of the depth of Allister & Fioa’s relationship, and a few other loose ends such as the dialogue. In some parts, I felt like their conversations were very uninspiring, they didn’t draw me closer to the characters. I also would have liked to see more descriptions/imagery. Right now I’m having a hard time SEEING the action, the house (setting), their raltionship, their love-making. It seems as though you were rushing. Clearly, I’m at a disadvantage because I did not see the development of chapters 1 & 2, so perhaps you have covered many of these issues then. With that said, I think you have the makings of a good, juicy story, and if you don’t mind uncut, constructive criticism…I’m your girl.

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

Emmanuelle - thanks hon, two fingers does come in handy. lol

Christina - i wil sis, thank u

TPW - lol, had them for a while did all my other boooks, they spak memphis do u

TheophaniaPaige - thank u also


TPW - criticism dont hurt nobody, they just words u know, now trying to smah me in the head with a bottle, that would hurt. Good points. wrot the entire 209 pages in about 7 weeks, so it m be rushed, but then again, i write a shor story in a day and it took me about 3 weeks to write a matter of attention and the essays on here, well about 6 minutes.

And like i said, if u read my other works, I write from the "i".

I wanted to do this after reading the GREAT GATSBY AGAIN. you know his boy tells the story - dang now i done told.

And the sex scene, well this isnt erotica, the theme is more philosophical realism. I hve never red a classis with straight erotic sex scenes, i want you to imagine, but if u grab BUTTERBROWN, you will see and here and feel wha you want. And Country folks do talk like that, my pops, me, my uncles, and folks grew up with in the sout (i dont know, are you southern) thats the region and the characters, if they were in cali or new york, it would be different.

I mean do you here folk and jones and main uttered everyday where u live, I do.

But me likes and like i said, u can proof if fees str8

Anonymous said...

LMAO@the prisoner's wife...um...damn u would think she was the editor...maybe you should hook her up with a check!!

Anyway.....I enjoyed the story, I will admit that the sudden change in the story by the narrarator was a bit confusing but.. the story of Fioa and Allstar is very entertaining I would love to read more to see how things pan out....I think I found a new favorite author *wink*

IntrospectiveGoddess

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

Introspctive goddess - yea, she put in wrk, she really want that loot, and like in most of my stories, my charcters are memphis n i double g a's lol.. the end is killer i may add. and yea, i tightend up te time thing and the voice change after 3 edits, this was first draft - i cant give u the really real, lol but i figured one could tell since some of the characters didnt even have names yet. normally i name them after my folk, and homeboys, they like that lol

the prisoner's wife said...

I wanted to do this after reading the GREAT GATSBY AGAIN. you know his boy tells the story - dang now i done told.

I feel you. perhaps had i read it from the beginning i wouldn't have been so thrown off by this voice. But here's the thing about Gatsby (which is a book i dig), the narrator is only able to comment on the people because they are in his presence. We get his observations/point of view of the people (and how he feels about them), and then the characters speak for themselves when they are in his presence. Moreover, whenever he can't be directly in their presence, he learns of them & their exploits from other characters. Your narrator, i feel, is not in the mix, as is the narrator in Gatsby, which probably explains the disconnect. His voice just doesn't belong. He is not an eye witness to this relationship or their love-making or their conversations (at least in this chapter). I appreciate your willingness try something new, cuz lord knows fiction needs that, but it's not quite connecting. at least not for me. (does that help explain it?) anything else you might wanna email me. LOL don't wanna clog up the comments with my extensive critique (and my apologies, it's the MFA workshopper in me LOL).

And the sex scene, well this isnt erotica, the theme is more philosophical realism. I hve never red a classis with straight erotic sex scenes, i want you to imagine, but if u grab BUTTERBROWN, you will see and here and feel wha you want.

i'm not in search of erotica, but if you're gonna have a sex scene in a book, dammit have a sex scene in a book! LOL what i mean by that is don't TELL us he touched her here or there, show us. how did she respond? what sounds did she make? a few more descriptive adjectives would work. as far as classics with GREAT sex scenes...See James Baldwin's If Beal Street Could Talk. he SO perfectly describes Tish losing her virginity to Fonny. It's sweet, we hear her, we see her, we see how he moves. the book isn't about sex, nor is that scene about sex, but the way he describes it makes it REAL (and i don't mean in a kinky way. just a REAL way, like the characters are REAL people). feel me?

And Country folks do talk like that, my pops, me, my uncles, and folks grew up with in the sout (i dont know, are you southern) thats the region and the characters, if they were in cali or new york, it would be different.

ok. i can get with that...it just seemed a bit unreal, but i'm not southern (although my mom's fam hails from the south). so i'll give you that.

But me likes and like i said, u can proof if fees str8

holla at me on the email.

PrettyBlack said...

I got it. The sex scene was very sensual. Too much is too much...it was just enough. I hate that he was really feeling her and she was playing games.

Ghetto love at it's finest.

I hope you feel better soon.

2sweetnsaxy said...

Wow. I think PTW was just a little harsh considering it's chapter 3 and we don't know what went on in chapters 1 & 2. But then, I'm relatively new to your blog and don't know if you posted 1 and 2 prior to this. Her comments about the sex, well I don't particularly care for erotica and for me personally, it was too much so how much is too much is relative to the reader and/or who you're writing for. So no one thinks I'm a prude, I just prefer to do it than read it. ;-D For me, in reading, less is better. I've got a great imagination and don't need everything spelled out.

I do think if you're talking about two people in love there is some emotion missing. Is it just sex or is it lovemaking? Is there a diff in how a woman tells it from how a man tells it?

I will admit the narrator threw me. Though I don't know if and how you began the book with him narrating I'm wondering, if he's the narrator how does he know every intimate detail of their lovemaking?

As for the story, I'd love to read the rest of it and see how it started and where it goes maybe because the characters and situation remind me of someone.

And I'm laughing at your comment that your editor won't give you back the copy because you change things. LOL! I've been writing for years and haven't finished anything because everytime I convert the handwritten to the computer I wind up with a whole other story. :-D

Hope this wasn't too long of a reply.

-2Sweet

Fat Lady said...

Interesting excerpt. I have to say I agree with every comment the prisoner's wife made.

I really like the characters - or more accurately, I'm intrigued by their backgrounds, past, and want to know what's up with them.

That sex scene, like tpw said, left me feeling a little flat. Came off more like how a man would brag about sex rather than a description of some real love making.

But, then, I'm thinking if this is the narrator's description of it - how would he know what went on, except his boy bragged to him about it - so maybe it's written appropriately in that context. Or am I over thinking it?

Still, it had the potential to be really hot with all that pent up passion.

BuelahMan said...

2sweet wrote:

Her comments about the sex, well I don't particularly care for erotica and for me personally, it was too much so how much is too much is relative to the reader and/or who you're writing for. So no one thinks I'm a prude, I just prefer to do it than read it. ;-D For me, in reading, less is better. I've got a great imagination and don't need everything spelled out.

Being a man, this may come as a surprise, but I agree. I have never been one to embrace erotica (this may be considered "borderline", altho T has expressed that wasn't the main focus... perhaps other chapters would make this clear).

Nonetheless, T Man is impressive. I would venture to say brilliant (and mean it).

But damn, dude, "spell-check".

LOL

I'll proof your stuff, if you want, but that is a very dangerous prospect.

:-)

You are much better off with the prisoner's wife, I believe.

Tony OH said...

Bruh, I had to make sure it wasn't just me!
I think TPW was right on point. I know you are not a fan of contrived thought, however, in this scenario it would be welcomed. I really think you should revamp to exhibit a more realistic approach. I have seen your abilities and this falls short of what I expected from your talents. I won't be an ASS KISSER and tell you something to make you feel good, because I don't want you doing it to me. So realize that it's ok to not spell check freebies, but this is for the money and you must present your best. Much Luv

Tone

Dogon said...

good looking to all yawl i appreciae. wuld or mabe i should have posd chapter 1 instead of startin with page 52, nan, i gave yaw what i did, and when yawl do et ywl will say wow. LOL. besides like TPW said she dont even know how the narrator is introduced, so until then, yawl got to wait and see. didnt know a taste(excerpt) was posed to be the final. I was just sharing LOL and i love the feedback



HINT: no age of telophony during age of gatsby and Tony, you have read the Great Gatsby corrcect? and it aint money until its published this is free. LOL

Lst but not least the story isnt about the two people, but something more profound - that is more nd no human at all

but keep it coming, me likes

the prisoner's wife said...

2sweet: I wasn't being harsh, i was being an adept reader. as a writer, there's nothing i hate more than people just saying "it's good!" or "it needs work" and not telling me WHAT was good, or WHAT needed work. Torrance is cool, so i was merely offering a critique in the hopes that whatever i said would help to improve upon what he already had going on.

Dogon said...

TPW - i dont think you were beingharsh at all. and im thicked skin. And as a writer, u have to take comments, i mean, first I write for myself. second i love the feedback, last. This is nothing, I publish in scientific journals and the critisism I get from them is way hrsher from TPW (no insult intended) and they even keep folks from submiting due to such. So im cool. I want more and like i said, i think she TPW will see that much of what she said is already taken care of and that the story line is not between the people but more so about a mental disease - so now yawl gotta wait LOL


do keep them coming


and like i said also, rad my other books and u willl see editors nd proof readers are essential, cause i cant spell or type, but i do know what words mean. I hope wl dont think i would publish a first draft. I jus wanted to share, cause i didnt feel like writing being in such pain

Anonymous said...

I liked the story, or what i read. It would be god to read the first 51 pages to ge some persepctive. One question, why is NAME in the story?

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

anon - ike i said this copy isnt wha is slated for the book. I use name cause it was the first writing. I nme my characters last ar going through my other boks. I normally use my homeboys or some character names from historical fiction. I like to see if readers know where the chracters come from, I hve used charcters from Orwell, Dumas, Counte Cullen before and of acourse Voltaire. Allistar is one of my boys and I had never used his name. so i try to give them props nd name them ex post facto

professor said...

you probably won't speak to me ever again, but I didn't like it...didn't like the cover either...no knock on you and no disrespect, to each his own...
I don't normally read those types of books to begin with, only when I'm monitoring the girls reading choice...
I totally agree with TPW...she hit the nail on the head on many points, and said it much nicer than I ever will...
the chapter was more of an outline for the next few chapters...there was no transition, no building from scene to scene...it was choppy, and the sex scene appeared to be thrown in to keep interest...but that's not the kind of sex a woman wants/needs...and since women are your biggest readers you need to fix that...I found myself skimming, it didn't hold my interest...sorry...
I see the story...I understand, without reading any more, where you want to go...I have not read any of your other books, and I might just to get a frame of reference...
Good luck with the teeth, that shit is NOT fun...but it's good that you are taking care of it now cause it can travel through your nasal cavity to the brain...seen it happen...

professor said...

on the other hand, I learned a lot about you...even in fiction we tell on ourselves...

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

PROFESSOR - thats foul, it dont bother me if u dont like it, thats cool, folks dont like everything and i expect that. but for u to think u have to like everything about a person or that im that petty, hurts (a lil). i mean, i have many friends that are dalls cowboy fans, that dont stop me from liking them.

AND DID YAWL SEE MY TIGERS DESTROY TULSA MARCH MADNESS BABY

Jaded said...

Just checking in 'cause I keep hearing about tornadoes and bad, stormy weather in Atlanta. Hope all is well with you and yours.

Qucifer said...

I'm backtracking and reading everything else... this was good

1/3 of what I used to be said...

Hmm I want to read more of this. The prisoner's wife has some points but this is a great draft. I cant wait to see this when its finished.

We shouldnt order the book from Amazon? If not where?

The Bear Maiden said...

It was interesting, but it wasn't my favorite. I do think you got some really good feedback so I couldn't add to it. I'm no MFA :)

But I gotta laugh, sis... Landlady gave Poppy a draft of something to read, and he gave it back to her and told her in effect, that she was a lousy writer. And she put your ass out of your beautiful apartment, don't you remember? Girl, don't you know when to shut up??? BWAHAH!!!

professor said...

I give it straight with no chaser...LMAO...
boo, you know I mean well...

The Artist In Me said...

Racey! I have to be honest and say that I have steered clear of fiction that has spicey love scenes. However, I do like your style of writing.

To add...I do hope that you start to feel better, if you are not as of yet. Mouth pain is no fun.

Be blessed!

Dee said...

Hey T. You wanted some feedback on your chapter, so here it is. Prisoner's Wife spells out a lot of the same concerns I had with the tone and the voice of your story. It sounds a little jumpy. But the one thing I kept thinking was, "Don't just tell me. Show me."

Your narrator is doing way too much talking, trying to let us know the point of view. If Foia is silly and playful, let her actions show it. The married man, let his demeanor show that he doesn't care for finer things. Let him show that he doesn't know hot to interact with his son.

Keep it up though.

Trouble said...

as i was reading, i kept thinking, ok so what is wrong with her or him. I know this is a first draft so I won't comment on the continuity issues (unless you want me to) but I can see where this is going. Are you going to post anymore? And when do you think this will be coming out?

Keli said...

It was a bit hard for me to follow, between the dialogue between the characters and the narrator...maybe I need to read it one more gin. I always do better reading words that are printed on paper vs on a screen.

Nothing wrong with a spicy love scene...it just seemed to come out of no where here.

Interested to know the dynamic of the characters relationship...it's almost seems a bit father-daughter like...well outside of "the meat".