Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Why u lost your man

Point of order: This post is not about being dumped by a man, its about a woman or women who break up with a man and want to get back with them.

Okay, was gonna beat up Geither and his droogs today, but I digress. My folk called me and said she was up set, which is the impetus for this post. She said she asked her former man, ex, lover or whatever the dog tag was if they could work it out, you know get back together. Jones said no. I told her I agreed with him. She had indicated that he was always there for here and never lied or did anything to hurt or, or hit her.

Now this aint about the scum bag, wanna be thug fuck boys who don’t know to treat a woman like their daughter or mother, but regarding the men that represent as men. The men that provide, pay bills, pay for your car, put a rang on your finger and keep a roof over your head if they needed to and food in your stomach – yep we do exist folk. This is regarding the men who help their kids with home work and provide and take care of them without reservation. So if folk you lost wasn’t like that, well sorry – that wasn’t a man and herein could lay the problem. But that aside.

See many times, it is on you. You need to ask yourself what have you done for him. And I know many will say I am not in a position to do, as the man does, but that is beside the point. Ask yourself what can you do that is within your power. Many things men desire don’t cost money: dependability, being their when he may want or need you (the are different)

So some advice:

1] When something happens or go wrong, don’t always blame him. For some women this can become as ritualistic as cannibals in the caucuses. This means that you will all was blame before you evaluate – a def turn off to am real mutha fuca who doing what he say and walking the talk.

2] Remember that a man has needs and desires. So if yawl fucking and all of a sudden you obviate pussy privileges, don’t get mad cause folk don’t wanna kick it with you. We perceive such as a game – and tricks as games are for kids, we will get ghost and find a real woman. And don’t sleep it aint about the sex. Because if you started out not giving folk none, he wouldn’t trip. But changing the rules after half time is foul.

3] If you want folk back be real and true, admit your iniquities and most of all don’t WHINE or CRY. That’s what kids do. That’s the quickest way for a real jones to get ghost. We desire women. True women cry, but not because they can’t have their way – be with this particular dude, which that is. We look at crying as saying “damn he was good man, and I don’t want nobody but me to have him.” The is the essence and definition of selfish and most real folk don’t get down .like that. Not to mention, folk, if he gave up women to be with you, by this time he fucking a corpus of sum odd women – who don’t trip. Likely cause they had a real man and they miss him and have did some soul searching to say a good man in my bed, who makes me smile and feel like a woman is better than no man or a bich as n I double G a.

4] Do a self evaluation and write down the ten worse things you ever did to him over time. I’m certain that many could proffer a list over ten. When you do weight it against the likely bich shit you complained about to objectively evaluate the situation. Afterward ask yourself, if you sincerely apologized or attempted to for what you did. Real folk can see through pomp and circumstance and won’t tolerate and/or fall for the okie doke, for moon walking is for Usher and Michael Jackson. If your list is super foul chalk up your loses and look at it as if you were fishing – the one that got away. Chance if it is that foul you aint deserve folk and can’t be mad for folk feeling that you didn’t.

Now I could go on for days for I had a prior relationship with a woman and I wrote about it here. She keep asking or saying the aforementioned. But as my daughter would say – poppa don’t get down like that. That’s why you lost your man. Guess that’s why they say you don’t miss something until its gone. LMBAO


Untouched Jewel said...

was this about the conversation we had the other day?

Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

kinda but i have had three in past month yours was icing on the cake

rainywalker said...

There are times you will miss someone after their gone and perhaps one in your life, your glad they are gone and you done burned all the bridges so they can't come back. That way you can sleep with both eyes closed and get on with life and friends.

Anonymous said...

Interesting article... I think in every breakup the man and woman in the relationship can do some soul searching....

Jaimie said...

good stuff. i aint ever lost a man yet so i guess im doing something right.

Kim said...

Lose a man? I've always been confused about that phrase. What does it mean?

Keli said...

He has to be yours for you to lose him in the first place...

Anonymous said...

I can't even comment on your stuff anymore b/c I would write a book. *SMH*

Your ex was not the average circumstance so you can't really use that as an example. Men, especially Black men, expect you to be with them through thick & thin but if a woman isn't perfect the guy becomes a jerk and either 1) cheats 2) breaks up with the woman instead of trying to work it out. Seriously, withholding sex? That is cause to break up? The relationship isnt based on very much if sex will RUIN a relationship. I believe sex is an important part of a healthy, COMMITTED relationship. But in that same relationship the people should be able to work the 'sex issues' out. Men seem to want to skip that part. So what if it was done before. If you are ready to bounce once she's ready to wait for a commitment then that makes you the jerk and not her. Now if your WIFE is withholding sex, you need to find out why and address that issue.

Anonymous said...

I also take issue with the "losing a man" thing. If I have to worry about keeping a man and I just can't be myself in the relationship then its not meant to be. My first REAL relationship ended (and I dumped him) but we are good friends now because we are two mature adults and I don't consider him to have "lost" me (probably because Im a woman and not so egotistical). There's a learning experience in every relationship and I believe everything makes you a better wife/husband in the long run. I dont think you should ever write down a list and criticize yourself in your experience. I think you should learn from it and grow. Hopefully we are learning the right things and not how to bend over backwards to "keep a man". *rolls eyes* Kiss my butt. LOL

Anonymous said...

And btw, I have never been dumped (as I have only had two real relationships where we actually loved one another). But I am smart enough to know that tells very little about the kind of woman I am. I've also had guys treat me like trash so...should I blame it on myself? I think thats so freakin stupid. The worst mistake I've ever made was dealing with certain people in the first place. Either 1) thinking I could influence them to be a certain way towards me or 2) Dealing with them period...after all the red flags came up. And thats all Im writing. I'm the ISH and I still would be if sometime down the line someone dumps me....Now what? LOL

The True Urban Queen aka Sharon said...

Well, I think Ms. BeKinky_Paula has made very wonderful points so enough said.

But, I did enjoy reading how a man could/may/does think.

Dana said...

Serious food for thought. I really dig getting advice from men about men. Other folk's reality
puts my own in perspective. The lady curtseys!

Kayos said...

Sounds like you have been either reading or have read Steve's new bok.

He made some of the same points.

However, I agree you can't lose what isn't yours and if she messed that up then it's on her.

Anonymous said...

We're at relationship counseling now huh?


uglyblackjohn said...

I'm the worst at givng relationship advice.
I can tell someone what NOT to do, but I'm still kinda' lost on doing the right thing.
My little cousins and nephews laugh at all my eff-ups.

TheophaniaPaige said...

Lmao, you went in on this one!

T.Allen-Mercado said...

*Laughs* Okay, if you say so!

Jasmine said...

I agree with you in some aspects. After a relationship fails I think BOTH parties should sit down and evaluate what they did wrong and fiqure out how they could better themselves. EVEN if a man is providing and all that you said...Im sure he had some faults, and could make room for improvement. Personally in the past when relationships didnt go the way I wanted them to I never BLAMED the other person. That comes from being raised to ALWAYS look at what I did that could have made the situation better. Now your ex...its obvious that was not a normal situation. Definitely a rare case. Even if she, or any other woman who takes addvantage of a GOOD man, read your blog, they wouldnt get it. Those of us who do get IT would never take advantage of a good man.

nicki nicki tembo said...

I just have to wonder is it really that complicated? I'm not much of a talker and by default not that great at communication. Still I don't see what all the confusion is about? I suppose I've concentrated more on my contribution than worrying about my mates part.

Angel said...

I think both the man and the women after the end of the relationship should do a few reflective exercises.

Then they know what went wrong so they know what to avoid next time.

Veronica Wright said...

I wonder why its so hard for folk to see what's good when 9 times out of 10 they done already had what's bad.

All it takes is to Reflect, compare, step your game up to keep that good thing coming.

I don't understand.

Linda said...

There are cannibals in the caucasus? :O Well, probably.. since it's too cold for any animal to live there.. *lol*

I would add 'admiration' to your list. Appearantly, men need this even more than intimacy.. just someone that looks up to them

greetings from the netherlands!

Sha Boogie said...

so true!!! you don't miss what you had until it's gone. especially a good woman or man.

Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

ADDENDUM: The aforementioned was based 1] off of women who broke up with their man and 2] I got the title from one of them who asked me "why did I lose him" I changed to my man

well said

yes and in all relationships that are working or trying to stay alive as well

you must be maam

I got it via a conversation with a fried who specifically asked me "how did I loose him, why did i leave him?"


LOL i bet u laughed - satire does that

it wasnt about her she was just an example. But the three women i talked to or asked why their ex said no broke up with them. Two because they were bored with them and one because she could not take the toliet seat up. all else was good with them

and as i said i got the title in discussion with one of the ladies so you talk to them. I aint never lost a man either LMBAO. Pluse as i said it was not about being dumped these women broke up with the man and then wanted to get back with them. Its not about being dumped by a man, its about a women or women who break up with a man and want to get back with them.

The True Urban Queen aka Sharon
she certainly did and thank you and where have u been maam?

Thank u and i hope u laughed a little as well

Kayos No i havent read his book

LOL u do know i am a counseling psychologist by training - PHD and i have practiced before

sounds like u have done some soul searching

glad u saw the humor

and u too maam

u are so right - it has to be mutual, but i have written a number of times about men caUSE we can be foul

nicki nicki tembo s
i hope u at least laughed

i agree but as i said, no men asked me why they men said no lol

Veronica Wright
me either momma me either

thank u it was meant to be humorous as well

Sha Boogie
and HOW

Shannon said...

And this is why I remain single! Single is often the best way. Many people rush into relationships and don't know what a person is all about. I must admit, I have done this in my day. I take everything as a lesson learned.

nicki nicki tembo said...

Well I suppose that many a truth are said in jest. Difficult for me to find humor in loss: yours, mines or someone elses. I'm weird like that though...

Keith said...

Gotta Stand and Applaud...You just stated in this post how I and a lot of guys been feelin for years.

A lot of good brothers who represented as men (paid bills, kept the roof over the head, kept the lights on and the cable and had a pretty decent pipe game) got overlooked because of the superficial..such as him not being a Brooks Brothers Suit wearing brother or because he drove a Chevy,rather than a BMW.

Like you's too late to cry when this brother has found somebody new and you're sitting at home alone on Friday Night..waitin for Brooks Brothers to call.

Still applauding brother!!! You broke it down!

Soulstress said...

I think u've made sum valid pts but it also takes two to tango. WHen a relationship ends I think that both ppl need to look at what they did rite and wrong.

And u kno..every1 makes a mistake and sumtimes u dont kno what u've got til its gone. The person shuld example why they thought they needed to get outta the relationship. But i'm a firm believer in if its meant to be it'll if homeboy dont want a female bak..than keep it pushin to the man that will b there thru thik and thin.

Bougie Applebum said...

i can't even comment because you are out of control. lol

Regina said...

Great pointers! You left out one crucial point.
Keep other folk out your business. Lots of folk have lost a partner because they were listening to other people!

Tony OH said...

What's up Bro?

Just got a phone today, my other one got repo'd
I'll bring yo key this week. Trans was shot for a couple of days too. Life Bruh...Life

I'll call you tonight....

Tony OH

Aly Cat 121 said...

Lord, I'm trying to read this post and listen to your Blog radio show that happen to queue up (on Afghanistan) . . . I can't understand WHAT yall talking about and kinda got a slight headache over my left eye. LOL.

Sh*t now I got to go back and read what you wrote.

Lex said...

I read your blog for these golden moments! Touché.

Kellybelle said...

Dag, I had to read this. You're right. But it works both ways--I'ma hyperlink this to a fella I know.

Dallas Black said...

my fav line is:

But changing the rules after half time is foul.


Carla said...

Interesting topic, but I guess I can't really relate. I've never wanted back anyone I broke up with. But I have had men want me back. Even had one guy find me after...what...12 years?
That sure boosted this sista's ego! :)

I guess for me, when it gets to that point where I'm willing to call it quits, it's because I've tried all I could and now just don't have anymore to give. It's because they literally sucked all the love I had for them right out of me!

I guess it goes both ways, men (just like women) most times never know what they have until it's gone. But when it's gone, it's gone!

As R. Kelly sang, When a woman's fed up...

Kit (Keep It Trill) said...

Read your 2005 post you linked. You and your son went through a traumatizing situation. I'm glad you have custody of your little girl. I hope the details about the ugly truth about her mother's problems can be delayed until she's old enough to handle it, ie, 18.

Having raised two adopted children where one was an open adoption, and worked with a multitude of kids who had parents with severe problems, I can say it's very hard on them... a burden that ties up their time thinking about shit they had nothing to do with nor can control when they could and should be enjoying their childhood.

Good luck on that tricky problem and feel free to email me if you ever need advice or suggestions, seriously.

Red Snapper said...

I read "letter to Oprah" smh You have an immeasurable amount of patience.Folk stay cuz they want to and leave cuz they want to. I feel that only low self esteem creates the drive for a person to desire and attempt to be with someone that doesnt want them. Your friend was in a realtionship with this man, she left him for whatever reasons and now wants to get back with him? If I'm understanding to story correctly I'd say no too. Beat it. Kick rocks. Dueces. Peace out. One Luv. BYE.....however you wanna verbalize it.

*Playin BB King..The thrill is gone*

SlickGurl said...

Wow! Now that's point blank no holding back advice from a mans point of view. Good Stuff. I love #4. I can see how that can be true.

Love this post!!!
~ Katrina

Lique said...

Now i may be young..but mama didn't raise no fool.I am married and do what i can to keep my husband happy.I've come to realize in my 19 years though that what you have stated is true.Love isn't enough to sustain ANY relationship.There are other fundamentals that build the foundation.Most women feel as if they can go on with only recieving and not giving,or they feel they give to much and dont recieve anything at all or half of what they gave.

I for one,try to compensate for what i dont have.I just moved here and i'm still looking for a job,i'm a full time student.So,i clean the entire house every weekend,cook dinner every night and keep the house smelling and looking presentable at all times,all while going to school and doing homework.We may not be intimate every single night but i give him everything he wants and/or desires.Some women seem to have that problem,i know a couple and they have been together 5 years and have an 8 mth old and just recently got married.They are my age,now she lost her virginity to him years ago but still hasn't really progressed past the basics in the sexual aspect.He is VERY unhappy,yet he loves her,she nags him and goes through his phone records and all that,yet she doesn't work and pays for nothing.When he asks for a sexual favor,she makes it seem like a burden & she isn't very good at it either.I dont find it difficult to give your man some fellatio when he asks or switch up positions.That seems like a man down situation.

Ladies need to realize,in these coming years,its only getting harder.Times change and men WILL find things they aren't getting at home somewhere else,you have to find balance.I've never lost a man..

Lique said...

I dont want to come off as a woman basher because im not.I just feel like it takes time to work on things before pointing the finger.Some people feel as if they do nothing wrong in relationships..no1 is perfect.If you desire someone back,you need to effectively communicate and figure out what went wrong the 1st time around.Good men are getting harder to find.

Sister Girl said...

...deep thoughts & excellent post !


James Tubman said...

i think a lot of women see distancing themselves from somebody they like as a sign of strength

but when they cut off somebody they really like that hurts them more because they have to hold back their true selves

they have to deny and repress what they really feel

and that is bad in any case

CurvyGurl ♥ said...

Ouch, this cuts but is the truth. It's taken me some time to wise up and acknowledge that men just think differently, so it requires a different approach and understanding on our part.

Sista GP said...

well said...LOL

2sweetnsaxy said...

I know this doesn't apply to all women but I also know it describes some to a T. I used to talk to a co-worker and I knew his girl didn't appreciate him. He's a really good man. She thought she was hot shit and thought the grass was greener and moved on.

I told him then she'd call, that she would miss him when she found out the hard way that she had it good and it would be too late.

She called and it's too late. He moved on. You're right. Too many people don't appreciate what they have.

What's that saying I heard? If you think the grass is greener in the other yard, maybe you need to turn around, stop neglecting your lawn and tend to your own grass.

Nikki Wadley said...

I like this one! It's true, men don't like it when a woman begs them to come back. They lose even more respect for you.

T.C. said...

DEFINTIELY REAL TALK a lot of people, woman or man don't do accurate self evaluation

Jackie E. said...

It's always interesting to hear things from a man's perspective... love the way you think!

Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

Shannon s
so true

nicki nicki tembo s
i can respect that scholar

thanks lol but thats exactly what i was talking about

so true but what men and women miss is the WORK that is required in a meaningful relationship

Bougie Applebum

thanks sister

Tony OH

Aly Cat 121
LMAO me sorry

I hope u enjoyed maam

so true

Dallas Black
LOL figured u would

so true and i never been a R kelly fan

Kit (Keep It Trill)
thanks for the love folk

Red Snapper
kick rocks - classic

thank u hon

u sound like a wise person to me and i dont think it was bashing maam

Sister Girl
thanks folk

James Tubman said...

makes sense to me

CurvyGurl ♥
just being honest maam

Sista GP
thanks cuz

real life is the best teacher

Nikki Wadley
thanks babe how is the writing coming

look at u mac momma lol

Jackie E.
thank u sister im blushing

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GOODENess said...

I have GOT to say that I agree with the initial premise of your post...sometimes people break up with GOOD folks for stupid reasons and then regret and try to get them back.
I like that you also mentioned that men desires don't rquire (real men) are simnple..just be there for them. be supportive....and shut up sometimes...alot can be said for the dying art of being a woman...a lady...a lover...they are not all the same! but I digress, I loved this post adn will be fwd it to my girls that treat the men they encounter like they are there for sheer amusement. They don't make efforts to get to know the men but expect the man to try to crack their code to get to know them...RIDICULOUS!


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