Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Brain cells will collide

Had a dream last night. And folk here don’t dream much. Don’t know if I was on Meet the Press or at a presidential debate. Guess all yawl folk precariously (depending on uncertain premises) suggesting I be a candidate for the Presidency or even an advisor of some form. Any who, here goes the dream. First shouts out to Pretty Black Gold and At-alien (4 this pic of how I get down- an no I didn’t have my gat, it was at shop, sorry pretty black for when in Rome do as the Romans) for the love – or should I say brain or teeth lust. So there I was.

Soledad O’Brien: Your message is somewhat caustic and direct, how do you expect the electorate to befriend you?

Jones Here mane: Folk, I aint trying to be nobody’s friend, I’m trying to get they kids educated, learn and do math, stack some chump and love they neighbor as themselves, if that’s foul so be it, but best believe folk who out side these boundaries gone know jones here manner and have to deal with folk on the up and up, for real though.

Larry King: Yes Dr. Stephens...

Jones Here mane: T, T-Bone or All-mi-T, my momma aint name me Dr.

Larry King: Well T, to follow Soledad’s question, your message is intemperate. Have you ever thought you may be a little to direct for the voting public?

Jones Here Mane: Jones, mane, first of all, folk here aint steel, aint tempered, no maybe uncouth and uncultured but never tempered. The truth will set u free, free your mind and your ass will follow, and I don’t steal words, that’s from George Clinton

Jonas Goldberg: Dr. Stephens, you have referred to your opponents as having “explicative boy positions on the economy and have referred to their health care plans as being of the female dog gluteus maximus variety”, can you elaborate?

Well it aint rocket science [cell phone rings] Let me get this folk.

Cell Phone Conversation (Jones here Mane): Whad up Folk?......Naw mane, up in this debate folk, whad up though? Well Let me hit you back, I’m on TV mane…..No yawl don’t need to come up her, I’m straight…….Good look folk……Love you Jones.

Sorry, but in esoteric terms, albeit I do not have the desire to provide a locution leaning toward platonic rationalization, I feel that any economic position that does not express or explain why this country is slacking in contrast to other nations is feculent. Moreover, if it does not deal with the tenable interjection of the Amero in our future economy, it is just plane ole fuck boy talk – im sorry. With regards to my solution, you know me mane, education and manufacturing productivity. I have some slides of the stochastic projections of how it may look based on what is transacted in exchange of dollars when the new currency will be introduced but your producers would not allow me to use them or use a chalk board.

And true, all my candidates on this stage to me have never studied epidemiology, let alone public health, in particular as it is a function of the dollar bill and capitated health practices, so in summary if the shoe fits wear it.

Anderson Cooper: Dr. Stephens,….

Jones Here mane: Excuse me, but cant yawl ask these other mother fucas some questions Jones?

Anderson Cooper: If I may continue. With your positions, although believingly pragmatic and workable, how do you expect to carry the white vote, by all accounts you may be too frightening to many.

Jones Here mane: If I may be Anderson, I mean Frank, that’s one of the dumbest queries I have ever had directed to me. First I am a single parent of two and I don’t scare my kids, and Frankly, Anderson, I’d rather be with them if this wasn’t taking longer than your folk told me. Second, I fell the question should be objective, and it should be asked to my white counterparts. I have never heard you ask them about scaring the African American Vote, or about the white vote. What’s next, carrying the male vote. How you get on TV Jones….Don’t make me take my teeth out my mouth.

Anderson Cooper: Could you please answer the question?

Jones Here Mane: I answered it twice as well as added some additional innuendo for some sound bites, and I aint cuss.

Larry King: This is my last question. You are critical of the Current wars as well as the current administration how could you assure us that a similar quagmire would not be the legacy of your administration?

Jones Here Mane: Great question. I would like to point out grammatically speaking, could infers the conditional. So conditionally speaking I would take a different approach. Won’t send our folk to fight for us, Im head raw dawg. If we gotta problem with another country, best believe folk her gone represent, or DO his best. I will ask for 20 US citizens to volunteer to have my back, kick where ever we gotta jet to and just trust me, things will be handled for this republic as best I can and as best I see fit. Yo, can I break out in to my final statement? I gotta go get lil momma from the sitter and catch the last of my sons baseball game and cook dinner.

Moderator: If the other candidates don’t mind, we will make this exception.

Jones Here Mane: I would like to thank all yawl for hearing folk out. Especially all yawl news Jones asking me umpteen questions in a roll. Look at the others and look at me. I got your back, it aint about the loot, although I love the idea of free worldly travel, aint bout that either. I can handle mines mentally, astutely and even informed, without advisors unlike top dawgs in the past, but Im still gone have advisors. I aint gone try and hood wink yawl, I can do this, and truth be told, me against them will just be brain cell colliding at a disadvantage, for brain cell against brain cell, Ill smash am mother fucker any day. And I canrock a suit and make hot water cornbread too. Thank you

I woke up had to fix breakfast. We headed to the shop with a desire to sell stuff for dogs. Good lookin' and thanks for the dream, but I aint presidential material.

112 comments:

Jay Midnyte said...

that joint was creative lol

and yes "Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote." Benjamin Franklin

"They that can give up essential liberty to gain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - Benjamin Franklin

''I ask, sir, what is the militia? It is the whole people, except for a few public officials.''
''To disarm the people is the best and most effectual way to enslave them.''
— George Mason

Emeritus said...

your momma didn't name you t-bone either. if you worked hard to get it, might as well deign to be called it.

The Flyyest said...

i swear you type how u talk!!! LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

shit...so do i tho!!

Blog Queen said...

Wow.....Dr. Stephens, you da man, mane!!!

BuelahMan said...

Bullshit.

The whole time you were trying to figure out how to get in Soledad's pants.

Peppermint Beauty said...

That was some dream Mr. Raw Dawg
lol @ can rock a suit and fix hot water cornbread

Lina said...

Very intricate dream, sir. Valid points were made and it was funny. I liked it, especially the cell phone conversation.

Rich said...

Dude, you wild. I was also laughing uncontrollably at your song "She can not make cornbread" - hilarious!

Loved the references to your two favorite descriptives. You need to stop.

Rich said...

I'm back - I need that MP3 of "She Can Not Make Corn Bread" that was funny. Drop it to me in an email.

NoRegrets said...

How about White House Press Secretary then? Ha! But you know, they did ask YOU all the questions, so obviously you are important. Though they have to have 10 people's fingers ready on the bleep machine given your propensity for fucka, etc.

xoxo Jaimie said...

lol loved it. I type how i talk too lol

SjP said...

LOL! Too much! Disagree, tho. u prez material :>).

Congrats on the AfroSpear!

xoxo Jaimie said...

well I'm glad im worthy too lol

OG, The Original Glamazon said...

Nice!

-OG

enigma4ever said...

omg...that was brilliant...you got King, soledad, and Anderson perfect- that is exactly what they would ask...and just for the record I would work on your campaign....

Naeemah said...

Wow, some dream lol! I loved how you answered those questions.

Your blog always has me laughing and thinking at the same time:)

MrsGrapevine said...

Now you know you didn't dream all that! :)

On the real, you would not get elected, they are trying to paint Barack Obama as too black right now, but that haven't met T-Bone, or All-mi-T...

The only All-m-ti that would win, is the person with the all mighty dollar bill.

Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

Jay Midnyte
Good look, hope u l;aughed and that mason quote is the truth

Emeritus
Yes maam, only from u

The Flyyest
I shole do - lol

Blog Queen
Still speaking memphisian I see LOL

BuelahMan
LOL – she married mane don’t get down like that

Peppermint Beauty
U should see me in a suit and taste my hot water corn bread

Lina
Hope u saw the humor

Rich
LOL will do mane just chk email soon. U can down load it from the player

NoRegrets
LOL, im trying not to curse

xoxo Jaimie
thank u hon

SjP
Oh they let folk in, I aint get no email, how yu find out b4 jones here

xoxo Jaimie
Anytime folk

OG, The Original Glamazon
Just hope I made u laugh

enigma4ever
Thank u, shield me from the news jones, cause if they get me I will say what I feel

Naeemah
I try. Thank u

MrsGrapevine
True it was satire, my speciality – I think, but it was fun to write

Keli said...

Why you go so hard on my boy Anderson? lol

That was an interesting dream...were you asleep at the time it occured? yes I realize what I just asked.

(fŭng'kē) [blak] [chik] said...

hilarious!

fed ex me some of that cornbread.

Danie said...

As always...giving me points to ponder and making me smile too!!!

nikki said...

as i'm reading this i'm hearing outkast in the background. this entry was not only creative but extremely entertaining. it's on some straight ole atlien shit.

PrettyBlack said...

That shit was hilarious...I swear if my man Obama wasn't trying so hard to get where he needs to be he'd be up there in interviews on some other shit too. His east side chi-town vernacular would have 'em all pulling out the book of slang to interpret what he's saying.

The reason I said what I said on my blog is because it's true...If a person has a chance to learn something to get them a head start in life...for free...why not? You provide that...even with all your fucked up peck typing...if any person who visits this blog can decipher that shit and still come out smarter for having done it can you imagine if a brother could actually use his home keys? haha!

(And you don't have to quote the national enquirer, hahaha)

Loved that shit though.

Sauce said...

hold up kinfolk, ya just maybe onto something. Real recognize real so you might be the key to unlock that apathetic vote, that sleeping giant that no one has yet to kick in the ass.

For real tho', I'd blow the dust off my voter card, roll on down to Raineshaven Elem. & vote for ya. Hell, I'll campaign for ya before the election kinfolk & even campaign with ya afterwards!

We need someone to change our diplomatic relations. All these cowboys in office don't know how easy it is to come to an amicable agreement over what ya call it, "libations" & trees.

Chief like Wahoo on it & holla back.

Darius T. Williams said...

A real live CNN dream, huh?

MacDaddy said...

Great stuff, bro!

Ms. Jones said...

CNN at its best :) That's a really random dream to have, thanks for letting us deep inside your unconscious thoughts though!

IntrospectiveGoddess said...

You sure this was a dream where you were sleeping??? I rarely remember the dialogue of my dreams so succintly...but ANYWAY!....It was funny when you went off on Anderson....but yeah maybe you should go into politics those were some pretty good answers...and who called you on the phone?

THE PRINCESS "CC" said...

LOVE It...your creativity is ridiculous, I'm mean really.

Big Man said...

Good dream man.

I particularly liked your answer to Anderson Cooper. That needs to be said in real life.

Mizrepresent said...

OMG, too funny, something i would love to see. Who's dreaming, really?

RealHustla said...

You say you dreamed all this? I'm having what you havin'.

rainywalker said...

Raw Dawg,
Sounds like truth in satire. But we need to replace 50% of the American public's brain cells. They're running around on that proaxle stuff and get confused awhile back.

Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

Keli
Now that’s funny

(fŭng'kē) [blak] [chik]
Yes maam, much obliged

Danie
I try my best

nikki
Im the original outkast

PrettyBlack
Again im flattered and blessed to have crossed your blog

Sauce
Lets do this jones, libations and all

Darius T. Williams
LOL

MacDaddy
Only if it made u laugh

Ms. Jones
U silly loved the video folk

IntrospectiveGoddess
My folk called lol

THE PRINCESS "CC"
Thank u where u been

Big Man
Shole do

Mizrepresent
Embellished a lot lol

RealHustla
LOL

rainywalker
Aint that the truth

Big Cheekz said...

sometimes you are just a lil too deep for me. imma get on your level one day :)

Sandy said...

youz a deep bruva! :) what a mind you got there.... :)

msladydeborah said...

LMBAO,

wtf did you eat before going to bed last night?...no don't answer that for real...I am grown but I might not be that grown...:-)

T,

I have to give you snaps up for this one! OMG, I would love to see this in real time. It might even make me turn my television on just to watch the interview. This is day 9 of no television for me.

SRLY, I have no doubt that if it was a clash of brain cell 2 brain cell, I'd put my money on you~because the cerebal trip that you'd take them on would probably make their heads pop wide open.

Kitty said...

"Dr. Stephens, you have referred to your opponents as having “explicative boy positions on the economy and have referred to their health care plans as being of the female dog gluteus maximus variety”, can you elaborate?"

Hilarity Indeed.. :-)

Regina said...

wow!! That was some dream, you better lay off the steak & eggs at 2am or you may just wind up in the white house!!
By the way, I see you are the newest AfroSpear member! Good deal...they don't know what just hit them! LOL! Congrats!

KELSO'S NUTS said...

Lock-city, shitfuck, with the boychik, for all we push in against this bunch a lames squares tourist fuckin khoui malenkaya and their cripple...

Gotta give the sonofabitch credit, yahoodie, fuckit, he's got ideas!...thought comes into that shay nudnik's fuckin disfigured head die of loneliness, for real...no fuckin knock on marikies but christ you fuckin HEAR anderson cooper, where does that cocksucker get off -- marron! -- guy's lucky the kid didn't take his head off...nothing to lose why not? Drop Cooper on national TV? Christ, he's got every dude's vote fuckin including Klein and Geffen, shit. They're like marikies but they're street. Don't know WHAT to make of that tool nuts sufficient takes after Jones like that.

Marikie's got gym muscles but no hate in his heart; I could fuckin drop him and I can't dent a pillow with my punch, for real

You just bite down hard and shove with Jones. What do you think you fuckin do?

In dollars he's 200 pips off the top, never mind the fuckin count and side cards, fuck!

Kid actually paid attention in school.....

That Nazi? Instead of Jones, for real? You didn't see him drop 'em all on CNN, shit. Sending you to your room, you vote for a fuckin shay Nazi and don't listen to a sonofabitch can make you money...

Go away, far, far away...You're not even Jewish, get the fuck outta here. Nobody Jewish can ever be so stoonad. You're adopted for sure! Fuckin foundling hospital or someshit...Lookit yourself. Marikie's got gym muscles, but you got like ACADEMY muscles and a fuckin cop moustache! No way you're Jewish!

Okay, fine. Gimme Jones +400 BM wallet you know so much. Done? NO?

"Perpetuating urban stereotypes?" For real? I really gotta get down my American Heritage for this bullshit? You think your Tati be proud of hearing you say that? Just lay me a price already and get on with it...

No? So what's up with Jones CAN'T win then? Chinese auction, bred. You can have Jones +250. Same stake. No? Why do I bother?

I can get 390 sterling any amount on betfair or match or pinny...380 cris I want to take the bad price even...All I can shove in...hold half arb half, if it's tits-up, I won't starve but I got the best of it...every bit of equity at 390...be 3 take back 275 tomorrow after the polls or the Q-rating thingy...I'd scalp some but come Davos he makes a speech, he's 2 on in sterling or swissy or fuckin cable...THEN, I square up, get paid and enjoy the victory party no paranoia.

Do what you need to do, buddy, I got Jones for my lungs!

THAT'S HOW I USED TO TALK WHEN I WAS WORKING IN LV PLAYING PARI-MUTUEL WITH THE REBATE AND SITTING AROUND WITH GUYS BORED WAITING FOR A RACE TO GO OFF. IF THEY WERE REPLAYING YOUR CNN DREAM INTERVIEW.

THIS WAS CONSIDERED PLEASANT, FRIENDLY CONVERSATION. AND EVERY NOW AND THEN YOU WOULD STRIKE A GOOD-SIZED PROP BET ON POLITICS OR MOVIE GROSSES OR SOMETHING. AND DOWN HERE IN SPANISH VEGAS TALK IS LIKE MOTHER GOOSE BY COMPARISON. EVERYBODY'S PRETTY WELL EDUCATED, TOO. IT'S JUST THAT EVERYONE WANTS TO GET HIS POINT ACROSS AND MAKE OTHER GUYS LAUGH AND EVERYONE SPEAKS THIS LANGUAGE. INVARIABLY, IF IT WENT ON A LONG TIME, ONE OR TWO NICKNAMES WOULD COME OUT OF IT. LIKE A GUY WHO WORKED OUT A LOT AND HAD A MOUSTACHE MIGHT GET CALLED "OFFICER" FROM THEN ON OR SOMETHING.

I have to laugh at how upset people get on blogs sometimes. Not about issues but with each other.

I much prefer the King's English.

sista gp said...

And I thought my dreams were off the chain.
If not pres, how about Mayor of "Chocolate City"? I just sent off our new voter registration cards.

Sheliza said...

lol! I think I am finally starting to understand you folk :P

Torrance 4 prez!

The Socialite said...

I think that this was very creative and I always like your approach to "the issues".

Urban Thought said...

I see that even as you're deep in slumber you like to hand people the business.

Good stuff man!

Kofi said...

Well done.

Kei said...

The fact that you dreamed all of this and woke up to write about it, remembering nearly all of it, is amazing! All in all, it was very creative and unique. Enjoyed it immensely and could see a show in the works with that one!

12kyle said...

Classic bruh!!

i'm gonna try to get down there on friday after work to check you out.

blackgirlinmaine said...

I love how you keeps it real mane. =) Funny post but as always you make a sista think.

Tony OH said...

Ok, Martin the LOOTer King...lol

The O.G Version!

The Love Collective said...

That post was pure genius!

paisley said...

well i don't do politics as a rule... but if your "dream" come true.. you will rock this white woman's vote...

even if i cant understand half of what you talking about!!!!!

and by the way that picture of you and your baby girl is perfection....

QH said...

Interesting...lol.-QH

Thic Flair said...

THAT WAS GREAT man. I dig that forreal .

Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

Big Cheekz
U are on my level, we all are

Sandy
Thank u sister and thanks for the drive by

msladydeborah
I will not resort to brain opening unless its an autopsy LOL

Kitty
Thank u fellow city of god lover

Regina
Ham and eggs last night and thank u I aint get no email yet though

KELSO'S NUTS
LOL u a fool boy

I know u were lauging yo azz off though

sista gp
LMBAO

Sheliza
LOL woman how is the fam

The Socialite
Thyanks u still think im socialite material

Urban Thought
Thank good ness dreaming is for sleep

Kofi
Thanks how u been folk

Kei
Somebody said I needed a reality tv show about how I blog – not u too LOL

12kyle
Good cant wait to see u and chat again

blackgirlinmaine
Anytime and thank u

Tony OH
U wild folk, get that handicap down for your event – it will be a large success

The Love Collective
Im flattered hope u laughed and i can never get to your blog folk, sup with that

paisley
LOL and thank u she is adorable

QH
Thanks Bruh

Thic Flair
Thanks folk, u still moving ?

KELSO'S NUTS said...

Torrance: I love a good laugh. And you'll find NO BIGGER FOOL!

SjP said...

Hello and belated Happy Wordless Wednesday. I participated in a meme called Thursday Thirteen. It was great fun. Please drop by, I think you might find my TT somewhat surprising:>).

SjP

Check out Villager's July 29th post regarding the AfroSpear! Plus u on my AfroSpear Blogroll!

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