Saturday, August 02, 2008

Is that u

I will free your mind today.
thought amnesty. u dont have to think - let me entertain u

Point of order: 1] McCain Post will be up no later than Tuesday – that mutha fucka think I’m stupid mane. Label me as Cow likely will be up Wednesday.

2] That Angel trade was for real though, Dana Dana. And shout out to my folk for making me artist of the day.

Jones mane, folk here aint got no problem with putting himself out there – for if you want to find jones, for whatever reason – u can find me, im here, and buy a book for directions. Add to the aforementioned that I write what I feel and think, and write for myself first not to impress am jones because I don’t get down like tha. I’m a writer don’t write to impress no one but folk, and aint scared to share self ruminations with the world – can u say secure. Here goes.

*After 16 to 18 hours days don’t be mad if I expect to come home and in joy (intentional mutilation of grammer) u at door on your knees (when no kids) or in bed assuming the position, and don’t trip cause I’m cooking dinner and washing and folding cloths, 2 more hours wont kill me when I aint wanna leave the shop anyway.

*Don’t get mad cause folk a Te- Killa jones.

*Don’t be saying thangs to much, or that I’m trying to get u fat cause I fix your place like mine like a proponent of equal rights posed to do? Aint nothing gone be thrown away lil momma between me and my seeds – we don’t get down like that.

*Dont act like u aint ever seen a gat or some one carry one.

*Dont be afraid of bugs or expect them not to exist in the deep south, especially on 11 acres.

*Dont be mad if i wanna work all day, and dont think im with no broad or disrespect profit over pu***

*Hope movies aint your thang, unless I get them from my boy Pete, 10 for five, cause I’d hope a used book store would be just as pleasurable. Or a wine store or the gun show or plane ole sofa.

*Don’t get mad at folk cause he wont go to the doctor and will tolerate pain (which is mental) any way to work and provide for his family.

*Keep your word and do what u say – period.

*If either one of us do something that we ourselves consider or think is foul, then we just descussate peacefully, no second chances or moon walking, straight?

*Kid clause – Yawl aint my friends, yawl the kids, im the parent, do what I say not what I do, or get that azz broke off. Str8

*Don’t make me into a vegetarian if I got Incisors and canines, and cook me pig ears if I want and u love me. Besides tofu causes dementia.

*Be able to listen and dont get mad at me for being quiet, saying nothing and listening - when u will say i dont

*Dont be mad cause my definition of a dateis walking holding your hands or cuddling with u when i want to: and be able to let me tell u anything, how I feel and dont say men dont do that.

Got some more folk but don’t to run my readership off, song for today already doing it. Just asking is that you?


NikkiJ said...


NoRegrets said...

like potato chips in a nitrogen bag?

memphiz said...

c'mon not pig ears lol.

fly tie said...

you're clear and upfront about it all, and that's to be appreciated.

rainywalker said...

Looking forward to the next lesson!

Trecia said...

Pig ears is food?

oh boy.... You learn something new everyday...

The True Urban Queen aka Sharon said...

1) Don't eat a lot.
2) I am scared of bugs. But, as long as they keep their distance.
3)Pig ears? Pig ears!

Understanding what you are saying when I can figure out what you are writing.

Hey, does the other person get to make up some rules too?

Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

good deal

yep, keeps them fresh. organic chemistry 212

sorry babe im a country carnoviare

i try to be but this is satire too, i love to laugh and make fun of life, except when i eat or cook

LOL u a fool folk

LMBAO u and rainy a team i see

Urban queen
yes she does, but this is a day u dont gotta think, just posed to laugh at my distorted louction of the world

bohemianabstractions said...

LOL! I knew there was a reason that I hated tofu!

Funny post mayne!

Sister Girl said...

"Keep your word and do what u say – period"

Right on,brotha...say it loud !


George Malik Abdul-Mahdi said...

There are many reason I like your writings, but I've singled out a common theme that's worth noting: YOU'RE A FREE MAN.

When you mentioned something about having "11 acres of land", a envisioned freedom. With all of the wall-to-wall, inner city places, there are some people that have never enjoyed the serenity of going on a fishing trip. No telephones, T.V.s, pagers, crazy co-workers (if you have any), just peace.

More people MUST strive to be free. There's NOTHING like running your own shyt. Yes it takes extra work, but I'd rather work harder to be free, than live as a slave to anybody.

So, those of you who've never contemplated running your own shyt, the next time it's 40 something degrees outside, and you'd LOVE to make a few calls to inform people that things will be shut down for the day, think about that. While that ice and snow has you shivering, the people who're free are probably someplace snoring the day away, fat pillowcase, covers, soft jazz,...the whole nine.

George Malik Abdul Mahdi

Aunt Jackie said...

It aint me but I hope you find her soon. I'm an old broad with too many ways of my own to be worried about whether or not I fit in some mans box. That's just me though, I aint for everybody.

Sitting here in old San Juan drinking 8 year old rim listening to salsa, I need someone who can roll with me like this!!!

Ieisha said...

That's real talk all the way. I can dig it!

Emeritus said...

mane, jones here don't do bugs, esp ones from the south. we straight?

Sheliza said...

can't hate a man for trying to provide.

KELSO'S NUTS said...

Torrance: Eres un MUJERIEGO, oiste?

You are a very bad influence on your American male readership, you know? All of the conventions of American dating and sex culture are pretty irrelevant in South America, so it's only when I read stuff like this that I think about it.

I don't think that I ever wrote about it on my spot but I did on Aunt Jackie's and I added the disclaimer: DON'T COPY THE KELSO APPROACH! Also, I have a reputation for insanity that you don't have. So, careful or you may have some dissatisfied male customers on your hands.

I had the same approach to my -- um -- romantic life back in the States that you do and it worked for me but, buddy, you got to be seriously COMMITTED to that attitude. I see that YOU are COMMITTED to it by these items "*Be able to listen and dont get mad at me for being quiet, saying nothing and listening - when u will say i dont

*Dont be mad cause my definition of a dateis walking holding your hands or cuddling with u when i want to: and be able to let me tell u anything, how I feel and dont say men dont do that."

That's the ultimate point of your more aggressive suggestions. I've never had a woman reject me for being too bold. When I was rejected it was because I was as honest as I could be from second 1. I don't know why exactly I did it that way but I had from before I had one hair on my ass. Even in middle-school if a girl gave me the silent-treatment or looked at me funny or coquetted it up with another guy, I just said "get second chances." And I really never worried whether I was right or not. I assumed I was.

The only way to make this style work is full commitment to it. If you blink at all, it doesn't play. You HAVE to make it seem like your darkest secrets and worst foibles are assets and sell it that way so you can get to an honest conversation or a scene where you can talk or not talk. Because you have to know and feel deep in your gut that it DOESN'T MATTER what the result is.

Like somebody I know sez: free your mind and your ass will follow.

Then and only then is it about pig's ears and boxing and steak and the Big Bird and "don't come yet" AT FIRST ASKING!

We discussed clothes before right. Nice to have nice clothes. I have lovely clothes that I wore when I was pitching my fund to investors or at conferences. I don't think I dressed up for a date EVER in the US that wasn't like a suit-and-tie required deal.

First date? I'd be wearing the same outfit I wear everyday. A black t-shirt. Levi's. Nike's. An orange bandanna under a Blue and Orange New York Mets cap. What difference does it make if you've showered and shaved before you go out? My money's still good at any restaurant or any club. Very few places have dress codes anymore. So, I'm comfortable. And if it's a crap first date or if there's aggro and I want to walk away from it, I'd be in clothes appropriate to a cardclub nearby.

The gat business is different. That's stuff I stay far, far away from. I shot a kid in the ear when I was 9 with a wooden zip gun and to this day I feel bad about it. I spent a night in the juvenile place. The kid's parents didn't press charges cause he only needed stitches. My folks came to get me the next day and that was that.

Besides, people for whom guns are an everyday thing told me long ago to never carry one or have one anywhere near you unless you are ready to use it at the drop of a hat and are fully prepared for the consquences.

I wasn't and I wasn't and it's not something I'm involved in at all. Yes, I've been robbed and one time I just ran away guessing that nobody was going to draw down and shoot a guy in the back on a city street for a couple of dollars. Not my thing. But I have no problem with it so long as I don't have to deal with it.

That said, I'll make it very clear that when the work about which I'm obsessive is done I will get lifted in many ways and I don't care how it augurs for any relationship in anyone's eyes. I've been this way as long as I can remember, because dinner out with HER mother and father is a non-starter anyway. And my folks don't give a crap.

It's hereditary and I got scholarship ride to prep school, a tax-dodge ride through a great college and I paid for my own grad school where I won any number or prizes and I've done fine in business. If it's to be La Gota Lila, fine. If it's to be Las Pepas, fine. I merely keep my alcohol consumption to two drinks.

I'm a sympathetic guy but moralzing and bathos don't work with me.

If my habits reminds some woman about the tragic story about a cousin and don't I know that I'm funding the worst elements or that I'm contributing to the downfall of society, I'm paying the check for dinner, leaving, putting the moralist in a taxi and sitting Hold 'Em or Omaha for the next five hours.

Nor am I hearing any lectures about the evils of gambling. Some lady's father who went bust betting football? That's too bad but I had nothing to do with it.

I knew I was being sized up for whether I would be the "one" or not, so I had to make it clear that while I was a gentleman, a sympathetic ear, and a party in 5' 7" 160lb wrapper, I wasn't "the one." When you're the "one," you are called upon to "change." I don't want to change abruptly. I want to evolve slowly.

More enjoyable to discuss whether you prefer Vermeer or Mary Cassat. Which form of Eugene Fama's Efficient Market Hypothesis makes the most sense. That sort of stuff. Not listening to lectures. If I drop dead tomorrow, it's one less person drawing breath. That's it.

Oh, I also make it patently clear that not only am I not religious, I'm spiritual in the slightest. I'm a Cartesian and the supernatural may or may not exist but if it does, I sure haven't seen it. If the woman proceeds to bend a spoon with her mind, I'd be willing to change my point of view.

I get that all this sounds very Neanderthal but in action I'm a rather polite, solitous and gentlemanly date. I merely want no misconceptions because I'm going to be wanting to sing Torrance's song on this post to the women a couple hours later so I'm getting every subject I could possibly lie about out there and in the open so I don't have worry about making shit up.

Oh, yeah, I don't go to any gym. Why bother? There are three kinds of muscles and they all look bad and signal something really bad: 1) gym muscles (INSECURE) 2) "academy" muscles (COP) 3) prison muscles (GEE WHIZ).

My diet's horrible except for a green salad twice a day. I make my own hours. And I'll only leave my phone on if there's a situation involving money pending and I have to make recalculations on the fly. I don't own a Blackberry. I brag about sleeping late. I hate the outdoors or really anywhere that doesn't have a clean bathroom. I'll always encourage any woman I'm out with to eat and drink at will. I'm not fucking a woman who drinks half a glass of white wine like a bird and orders a salad with no dressing and steamed broccoli for dinner anyway.

The great thing about this style is if I'm ever back in the states, I'll still be able to use it. Most guys are dressing and re-dressing themselves for two hours before they go out. I can work until 5 minutes before I go out.

What competition would I have?

America is way better off without me on one hand because I'm about 100 kinds of screwed-up but it's worse off without me in another sense. There would be slightly less anorexia and bulemia.

And more sex. And there would be more real not forced laughter.

Torrance, I don't know if this style can be learned or not. You are basically inviting rejection at every stage and you really can't even give a shit if the woman is doing the biz with any number of other guys. You have to be fully committed to knowing you're the best. Or that it doesn't matter.

Re-reading this, I realize that Torrance's more moderate approach while tough to pull of may be more appropriate for L'amour Americaine.

Aunt Jackie said...

Kelso just made my day!

Lovebabz said...

I am with Aunt Jackie and Kelso!

It takes a great deal of courage to allow love to come in. Love is not for the faint of heart.

Yes of course pussy before profits...isn't that your motto?
Well it is admirable and I suppose it gets you what you want. As a Grown Woman I like things a bit more kinder and gentler. That's the beauty of owning your get to do with it what you like.

I take my leave. Take care. I have no idea when I will be back through...but keep up the provocative writing!

Pig ears...indeed! LOL! Ah we don't have to eat like that anymore...we is FREE NOW! LOL!

A Go Bytch said...

You know I like this post! And I'm not afraid of anything I can kill with a slipper!

Go B.

nikki said...

loves a bitch and then you die.

um, hopefully i won't be this cynical this time next year.

blackgirlinmaine said...

LOL... Pig Ears? So do you eat them on bread with hot sauce? That's the way my folks used to eat me, though I must admit, I never developed a taste for em.

11 acres? Nice. With that type of land one does not need to watch movies, you can chill and be one with the land.

Paula said...

Tofu is nasty and it stinks, that isnt the only alternative to meat. :P You can eat whatever you want...I'll still tell you that pig ears are gross.

Bugs are gross an scary! So hush it! lol

And you need to go to the doctor b/c you do want to be around a long time for your kids, right?

LOL@10 for five movies...I'd take the book store, the wine, and the walk

I think 'cuddle' is a code word...mmhmm

And for the song...interesting.

Marcus LANGFORD said...

bruh...what's really good with that picture!? anyway, "keep your word and do what you say-period".....i like how you put that in there. folks don't understand that the quickest way to earn respect is to be about your word. nothing bothers me more than a bamma that is not of their word-don't even waste my time!

Sandy said...

bother brother oh brother of mine! Use got a lot to say.. I love it. and I love tofu (that's prepared right of course) but you get your meat eating on. I ain't gonna hate on you...

Kieya said...

"cuz i fix your plate like mine like a proponent of equal rights" LOL

i've heard of pig tail & pig foot...but never ears...

ps I've never seen a gat and if someone i know is carryin one, they keepin that tidbit to themselves lol

KELSO'S NUTS said...

@ KIEYA: You have not lived until you've had "oreja a la vinagreta". Boiled sliced pigs' ear marinated in vinegar, lemon juice, lime juice, salt, pepper and a little Tabasco. Served cold. Great with beer.

Traycee said...

mmmhmm....Congrats on making Artist of the Day !!!

Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

LOL str8 meat eater here

Sister Girl
Some folks say only Capricorns demand such

George Malik Abdul-Mahdi
All I can say is live free or die

Aunt Jackie
Where my drink folk

Possed to be fuinny lol

Your memphisian is improving jones

Makes me feel worthy hon

Me a bad influence,. Its satire, im not nom movie beside men don’t read.

And the gat, well I take it to my shp each and evry day and leave with it. I don’t carry one to carry but these folk is real in the field and breaking in shops everywhere. So please forgive me for if the break in my store, well I don’t belive in bussing but I believe in bussing back

And I am still in the states, don’t need such abroad and u know what I mean

Aunt Jackie
I knew he would, dont see you no ore – what gives it is me hating lol

It is not about HAVE
If I want to eat such, is that so bad – ever heard of liberty, bet u would say the same about termites or ants if I liked the tatse folk. Sidees granny can by chicken in store but she prefers to kill her own – can u say or respect choice

A Go Bytch
A real woman after the women in my family

my folk say life is a bitch and then u marry one LOL

not pig ear sandwiches, eat them like meat with a meal

I don’t want u to cum yet – LOL code for what boning?

Preach – u wise old soul


I don’t live where 911 is responsive sister

I see u macking folk LOL

Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

thank u sister, hope all is well, saw the eyebrow video, learn something new every day

IntrospectiveGoddess said...

This list seems to be a bit unrealistic..just because the requests seem to be based off of a relationship that is already set instead of when you first meet someone. Things like keep your word are more general but "dont be afraid of bugs" and dont complain about how much food I eat, sounds like petty requests from someone who is already in a relationship with someone who does those sounds like you are just listing off what someone previously did that you didnt like

Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

was supposed to be funny, and no particular relationship, a convo i had with my home boy at shop and i said this is funny, i would have used neckbones albeit i love me some pig ears, never dated a vegitarian

Dione said...

Awwww. Some of that was downright sweet. A man that quietly listens... *sniffle*

KELSO'S NUTS said...

T: "Satire" like NYer cover maybe! Territorial pissing is what it is. You're a careful guy. I assume you know how to shoot, what you're doing, and how to deal with the aftermath. I'm not a preacher. It is different down here because nobody goes away for non-violent crime. But brandishing a firearm is trouble. If it's worth brandishing, it's worth shooting and there's mayhem. Whole other thing.

"Macquiandome"? Yo? Que va? Maybe you're right. Pres Obama finds his inner Ron Paul or Bob Barr and signs Frank-Porter-Berkley-Wexler into law maybe I'll buy a place in South Beach or LV and spend some time up there. So, I have to stay sharp LOL

Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

sweet? is that good? thanj u

LOL, now thats a classic title for a pos Territorial pissing

LovexHate said...

haha.. this actually made me "lol" :p

OG, The Original Glamazon said...

Forget the Don't where are the Do's!


Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

Good hon, was supposed too, no more communal bowls ok

OG, The Original Glamazon
Yes maam, lol

T.C. said...

it is what it is...we want what we want...period! the face that you know what that is...much respect

Kieya said...

@Kelso & Torrance, I just talked to a west indian friend who def SCHOOLED me on the delicacy that is Pig ears. She's literally sitting next to me reminiscing and cursing me for reminding her of good food LOL

Dione said...

Yes dear. Sweet is good. Does not detract from your MANHOOD whatsoever. It's refreshing for a man to cherish the quiet moments like holding hands and cuddling instead of acting like we on a movie set performing for some cameras all the time. Mmmhmmm... sweet is GOOD...

Big Cheekz said...

me love your spot folk.

T. Michelle Theus said...

I love when your topic has to do with male/female relationships. Good stuff! You have an interesting way of seeing things :)

I never knew the bug thing might be a deal breaker. I'm not overly prissy about it but my fright level depends on the size of the bug in question. Now rodents, however, cause me to exit the room screaming in terror. I once jumped all over a guy's couch to escape a mouse and he was pretty upset with me. Oooops! lol But whatever, I can't get down with the rodents. I guess I'm just a city girl & would not last in the country :-p

Soulstress said...

Cant no1 say u dont kno what u want lol;)

AriStar said...

those are some serious teeth...just wanted to say hi:P

Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

Thank u sister, how was the bday weekend

U been missing out folk

Don’t make my blush or woprse, get me aroused

Big Cheekz
U making fun of me jones - lol

T. Michelle Theus
No rodents, and we got o0ff and deet so u down? Scared say u scared LOL

Lol pigh ears and throat LOL

Got hit by a car when 20, they didn’t like my social club, hit me and 2 others

Ms. Jones said...

yea I know I'm late...but umm I can get down with everything except for one point, I HATE exceptions :)

tz said...

My uncle boils pig ears all the

tz said...

My uncle boils pig ears all the!

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